Hey, assholes! It's Kenny Blogginz here with another one of my infamous movie anticipation threads! I was just informed by my good friends at aintitcoolnews.com that Hollywood big-wigs are currently in the initial stages of creating a sequel to the smash hit video-game-to-film adaptation Hitman. Everyone knows that Hitman was a film years ahead of its time, and a sequel can only be better. I believe I once read somewhere that little Timmy Olyphant was the first white male to dual-wield automatic pistols on screen, which is a real achievement as far as I'm concerned.
And remember that one part where all the Hit-mans threw down their guns in order to have a katana fight? That was probably one of the defining moments of modern cinema, like that one part from Bloodrayne, or that part from Bloodrayne II. Not since Underworld III: Rise of the Lycans has there been such a cinematic undertaking.
Hopefully the Hitman team will take a page out of Underworld III's book and include some werewolf-on-vampire action this time around. Who wouldn't love to see Agent 47 look up at the full moon (CGI) and utter a catchphrase like "HERE WE GO AGAIN"? Nobody, that's who. And here's a twist for the ages: Agent 47 is a werewolf THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!!!!!
You know that when the last of Agent 47's humanity slips away, there's only one man who can take him out: Sheiae LaBeoufeaux. Don't even pretend like that doesn't make perfect sense.
You guys aren't even going to believe my choice for Head Werewolf: Bruce God-Damn Willis.
I think we all know about Michael Bay's high standards, but wouldn't it just blow your mind if he were to be the director for Hitman II? Forget about it! Only under Bay's sage direction could Olyphant finally reach the levels of master thespians like John Turturro or Bumblebee Jefferson.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm writing the screenplay for this masterpiece. This could finally be my well-deserved breakthrough hit that takes me from art-house flicks to the exalted realm of the Summer Blockbuster.
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