Open Letter: To A Rectal Haberdasher

Dear Homophobic Asshat,

Hi? How are you? I'm queer as fuck.

I wanted to write to say thanks so much for your greeting when we arrived at Pride Day in Toronto yesterday. My girlfriend and I were so touched by your thoughtfulness in welcoming us to your city with the traditional, "If I had an Uzi, there'd be trouble here." I'll admit we weren't sure, initially, whether you were greeting us, or the young black woman walking past with her two beautiful kids. She and I shared a shrug, as we didn't know for whom your kind thoughts were intended: were you greeting her because you're just so loving of people with a different skin tone, or were you greeting us because you're just so loving of people who happen to be queer? Perhaps you might consider throwing some more specific slurs in, next time, so we know which of us should be proud of your attentions. We wouldn't want to miss a word of your intellectual grandeur.

But where it got really friendly was when you walked past us the second time, loudly hoping that we would have the pleasure of encountering a terrorist attack on our celebration day. It was nice to be able to pin down that yes, you were a homophobe, and not a racist. Or at least, not a racist today! I shouldn't assume you're monoodious, sorry about that - I'm sure you're capable of finding plenty of things to hate.

I'm sorry to disappoint, but in fact none of us filthy queers were killed by terrorists at Toronto Pride yesterday. But take heart, you're not the only one who believes the way you do. I'm sure you'll be able to find plenty of friends somewhere.

Anyway, that's all, just wanted to wave a cheery hello, and leave you with this thought:

We're here. We're queer. And we'll be back next year.

Good luck in your career as an anal milliner,

Caitiecat
Queer as Fuck and Proud as Hell