The Best July 4th in Human History

I love World Net Daily. Where else can I read important articles on the important conservative issues of the day, like: "Did Michael Jackson repent, accept Christ?" or "eBay warns buyers off $1 mil Kenyan birth certificate"?

And there's nowhere else on the internetz—nowhere! (and how often can you say that?!)—where I can find content like: "A REVOLUTIONARY IDEA: He's back! Guess who's coming to tea parties? Find out which popular patriot is helping take America back this Independence Day."

Who is it?! Who is it?! Who is it?!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy! It's Joe the Plumber!

I should've guessed. He's totes the most "popular patriot" of them all! I bet if Patrick Henry were alive today, Joe the Plumber would KICK. HIS. ASS! Booyah!

I'm exited beyond my wildest dreams to read that "Joe the Plumber is hitting the streets to speak at tea parties and help citizens take America back this Independence Day weekend." It's like Joe the Plumber took Christmas and Presidents' Day and my birthday and rolled them into one big holiday with the best present evah!

And as if that's not enough, J-Plumb is going to be joined by "doctors who will offer insight about the reality of government health care." Sweeeeeet!

I know some of you are unconvinced that the "nonpartisan" J-Plumb is teh awesome, but check out these words of wisdom:

Joe the Plumber said the best advice he can give to citizens who are frustrated with intrusive government is to stop voting along party lines and begin electing leaders who will abide by the nation's founding document.

"Learn the Constitution," he said. "Then when someone wants to be elected, hold their feet to the fire and make them follow it because that's what we need to get back to. It works so well when we follow it. Forget party politics. Learn the Constitution and vote the best American in, not the best Democrat or Republican."

Learn the Constitution. Words to live by, bitchez.

And you don't even know how inclusive the Tea Party movement is! I bet you're all: "Ooh, that's just a bunch of dumb Republicans actin' all stupid and shit," but J-Plumb challenges your asses to attend a Tea Party and see for yourselves that it's a grassroots movement that spans the political spectrum.

"I'm cynical by nature, but I am also very hopeful because I see people from the Left and the Right showing up to these tea parties," he said. "You have people, bikers, union members and guys in three-piece suits showing up to these things."

Holy Toledo! Are you telling me that not only are there bikers, union members, and guys in three-piece suits (they're the Republicans, right?), but also people?! Cripes, now that is the true power of a grassroots patriot movement with a totally misappropriated idea involving tea—pulling together bikers and people in the same place. That's America, people. That's America.

There's only one thing that casts a bit of a shadow over what's shaping up to be the best Fourth of July in the whole of human history:

Asked if he has plans to run for public office, he replied, "I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, 'No.'"

Somebody hold me.

But Wurzelbacher said he will keep that door open if God ever calls him to be that leader.

Rock! Pass me the sparklers, baby!