Assvertising

by Shaker Rehmeyer

Previously in Assvertising, Liss featured a Twix commercial about a guy who asks a girl to go back to his apartment, and when she balks, he "chews it over with a Twix" and says it's to "blog about our ideals," so she agrees.

I saw another episode in this series this weekend. The guy brings the girl back to his apartment, which is a complete mess. He "chews it over with a Twix" and declares that he's been robbed, to get sympathy sex from the girl. While trying to find a YouTube copy of the "I've Been Robbed" commercial, I found that you can play the Nice Guy Game, err, "Get the Girl," yourself at Twix's website. You start with the original commercial at the party, then move through the series, and it's like a Choose Your Own Adventure, where you tell the guy whether to be sincere or a manipulator in order to get laid, and, even if you choose sincerity, after that scene, it forges you forward with the manipulative scene, until you arrive at the apartment:

Guy: Yeah, this is just my uptown apartment. My downtown apartment is still being renovated to go green. Yeah, I'm pretty into the environment.

Girl: Wow. Ahhh. [looks around messy apartment; makes face] So, um, where do we log on?

Guy: Oh, uhhh— [scratching record sound; he 'chews it over with a Twix'] Oh no!

Girl: What?!

Guy: My computer is gone! What kind of criminal would do such a thing?

Girl: And they completely trashed your place!

Guy: Yeah! That, too.

Girl: Oh, you poor thing. Gosh, just think, like an hour ago, this place was crawling with criminals. It's so—that's just so dangerous. So…sexy. [she starts walking her fingers up his chest]

Guy: Okay!

I started wondering what the next logical progression in the commercial series would be. Perhaps:

Girl: Do you have VD?
[Guy 'chews it over with a Twix']
Guy: In fact, I do not.

or

Girl: Do you have a condom?
[Guy 'chews it over with a Twix']
Guy: I actually just recently had a vasectomy. You know, because of blogging.

But it is not to be. When you score at the end, you get a message: "You've chewed it over successfully. Twix salutes you."

There's a "note to parents" link at the bottom of the screen, but it's about information gathering and privacy. Not, you know, about apologizing for teaching kids that this sort of behavior is okay.

I'd just like to add that twix.com, by turning the commercial into an interactive game, has turned one bad spot about some lying idiot at a party into a sexual predator training simulator. With a lot of these things, there's some kind of "reward" for completing the game—wallpaper downloads, coupons, an outtakes video—but here, there's no obvious reward for playing "Get the Girl." Your successful comprehension of what is needed to lie to women for sex is the prize.

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six", Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One,Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three,Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty-Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two, Sixty-Three, Sixty-Four, Sixty-Five, Sixty-Six, Sixty-Seven, Sixty-Eight, Sixty-Nine, Seventy, Seventy-One, Seventy-Two.]