Shaker Help Request: Coming Out

by Shaker Andy

As y'all may have gathered from recent comments I've made, I'm hoping to start HRT next month. At the moment, I live two lives, and which one I'm in depends on whose company I'm in.

With my family and a few old friends, I'm – let's say – Jane. With most of my friends and with my lovers, I'm Andy. I've grown comfortable with this divide over the past couple of years, mostly because I do not have to be Jane that often currently. But time is running out. It's not like I'll be able to disguise the changes to my voice or body, and I'm damn sick of hiding. I know I need to come out to my family and a few of my old friends in the next few months.

The problem is that I've been trying to tell my parents for months. They live 40 miles away and I see them a few times a month. I'll get all mentally prepared and then... nothing. I can't make the words come out. It feels like it's way too much, like it's way too big.

Also, it's not just that I'm coming out as transsexual, but also as bi/pansexual. It's like dying – well, more like I'm killing the person they've raised somehow. I know that's a completely irrational way to look at it, but that's what it feels like when I'm with them and think about telling them. So I decided (after talking to my therapist) to write them a letter to come out. Only... I sit down and any time I try to actually write, it triggers a panic attack. Good thing I have Xanax on hand. >_<

I know they won't disown me or not love me anymore. I'm much more worried that they won't respect my identity. That phrases like, "It's just a phase" or "You're just looking for an easy out of your marriage" or "Well, this doesn't change how we see you" or "What about your son??" will be said. Honestly, I feel like that's worse in a way than being cast out, particularly if it is persistent. I have to try to prove my gender everyday to most people. It's a relief to be with friends and lovers who accept me for who I am, regardless of how I feel like dressing or how I act or what I like. I'm not sure what I would do if my family were people I had to prove my gender to over and over again.

I need help. Stories and advice about coming out may just be what I need, particularly since although I know a few other queer people, none of them have come out to their families. Thank you all in advance for your support and voices.