Assvertising

I just saw this KGB advert for the first time last night, although apparently it's been running for awhile. Criminy.


[Transcript below.]
Inferred: Our target demographic is slack-jawed, breast-ogling morons.

Concluded: KGB does not want me as a customer.

Action: Happily obliged.

[Video opens on "KGB" logo, followed by a close-up of man's hands poised to squeeze the breasts on a mannequin modeling a lacy bra.]

Saleswoman: Hello.

[Customer turns to face saleswoman, his hands still cupped.]

Customer: How can I tell my girlfriend's bra size?

[Close-up of saleswoman's cleavage through customer's cupped hands. Camera pulls back; she looks down at his hands, then back up at him. He looks completely idiotic, with his mouth hanging open.]

Saleswoman: Maybe you should ask someone.

Customer: Oh. Good idea.

[He reaches into his pocket and fishes out his phone; starts typing in a text message: "How can I tell my girlfriend's bra size?" Swishy edit, as if to "KGB headquarters."]

Man in "KGB" jumpsuit: I got this one. [Cups hands as if to squeeze breasts.] You take your hands—

Woman in "KGB" jumpsuit: Actually, the best way is to compare them to a piece of fruit. Are they apples, oranges, or grapefruits?

[Another woman in "KGB" jumpsuit walks by. Man in "KGB" jumpsuit stares at her exposed cleavage. Cut back to customer, who has received his "answer" via text.]

Customer: They're MELONS!

Saleswoman: I have those. [She turns, as if to walk into the back room and retrieve a "melon"-sized bra.]

Voiceover over text: Text your question to 542542. [Additional text reads: "Answers cost just 99 cents each." Plus some fine print. Cut back to "KGB headquarters."]

Man in "KGB" jumpsuit: [points at busty woman he was staring at] How do you like them apples?

Woman in "KGB" jumpsuit: Those are grapefruits.

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One, Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three, Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty-Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two, Sixty-Three, Sixty-Four, Sixty-Five, Sixty-Six, Sixty-Seven, Sixty-Eight, Sixty-Nine, Seventy, Seventy-One, Seventy-Two, Seventy-Three, Seventy-Four, Seventy-Five, Seventy-Six, Seventy-Seven, Seventy-Eight.]