This is...

...the dumbest fucking thing I've read in weeks.

I'm endlessly fascinated amused by conservatives' obsessive need to consume nothing but conservative media. It's not good enough to listen to music or watch a movie or whatever, they're constantly seeking conservative music. It's only worthwhile to watch a conservative movie. I MUST HAVE MY POLITICAL OPINIONS REFLECTED BACK TO ME AT ALL TIMES RAR.* While their little "Top 10 Conservative Songs" lists are always good for a hearty bwa-ha-ha, it's really hilarious to see them swing at fences when it comes to Hollywood.

But this? This is something special. This is a whole new level of fucking stupid. Hawkins completely abandons the entire purpose of his post with half of his ridiculous list; he doesn't even bother stating what makes them "conservative" horror movies at all. When he does bother supporting his title with an explanation as to why these DVDs are totes in Karl Rove's collection, it's just seriously all kinds of dumb. Why is Cloverfield conservative? Because... uh... the military is in it! Yay, military! Yay, troops! Why is The Exorcist conservative? Well, because the priests in it are doing good things, and those commie liberal Hollywood pinkos always otherwise show priests as sleazebags.

Also, Quarantine is conservative because it shows how sloppy and ineffectual the government is in a crisis. Sort of. And The Mist is conservative because... well... there's this government experiment... and, sure, the "Christian" in the movie is totally trucknutz, but... the military shows up at the end... and... well... because shut up that's why!

But really, it's the last flick in his list, The Tripper, that tips all the cards. Why is this such a wonderful movie for conservatives to watch?

This movie is meant to be a slap at Ronald Reagan and conservatives. In a couple of spots near the end of the movie, it does manage to grate conservative sensibilities. However, that mild annoyance does not to detract from the sweet, sweet joy of watching a guy in a Ronald Reagan mask taking an ax to dirty, drug addled hippies throughout the movie. If a conservative had made this movie, instead of David Arquette, liberals would be calling it a "hate crime."

"Dirty, drug-addled hippies?" Hate crime jokes? Really?

This bozo gets paid to write this crap? I'm just mind-boggled every time I read one of these posts, gloriously dizzy with déjà vu. What is it like to be a conservative, where everything you read is the same, and you've been hearing the same goddamn jokes since the sixties? Doesn't it get old?

It's lousy, shitty writing like this that makes me wish I had presented myself to the world as a dumbfuck conservative as soon as I was able to hold an opinion on anything, so I could land a gig at one of these wingnut welfare jobs. I could write endlessly about how 300 rocked my conservative ass because war is teh most awesum of conservative values, try to hide the tent in my Dockers, and collect my check.

"Dirty, drug-addled hippies." Pulled that one right out of the Elephant's ass.

----------------------

*While it's totally understandable to choose your entertainment based on personal politics, I think it's a little ridiculous to parse everything you watch to ensure it parrots back your political ideology, even if you have to stand on your head and cross your eyes to see it. And hey, it's okay to enjoy something that doesn't completely adhere to your worldview. For example, I know Liss can't not watch Armageddon every time it shows up on cable, even though she calls it a "totes conservative wankfest."

(Energy dome tip to Tintin.)