Assvertising

[Trigger warning.]

Everyone in the multiverse is emailing me about this Toyota advert, which was "produced, directed, and entered by Brisbane-based Play TV, with post production by Graetz Media – and was last week named by Toyota as the winner of its Clever Film Competition, which was organised by Saatchi & Saatchi."

[Transcript, courtesy of Lauredhel, below.]
I don't think I can say anything about this advert I haven't already said about a billion times before, so I'll leave it to you to dissect in comments, Shakers. I will, however, point out the most unintentionally hilarious YouTube comment possibly ever written (which is really saying something), found at the top of the thread associated with this commercial:


["this is funny... those who do not like it are sexually oppressed idiots"]
Awesome. Totally awesome.

(If you don't get why that's funny, it's because the commenter meant to accuse critics of the ad of being sexually repressed; sexually oppressed quite obviously has a whole other unintended—and unintentionally accurate—meaning.)

[A white bloke in his late teens or very early twenties, dressed in dark pants and a white collared shirt, arrives at a large house in the evening. I'll call him Date. He rings the bell, and adjusts his clothing, looking slightly nervous, yet cocky. A middle-aged white man in a suit and tie answers the door. I'll call him Dad.]

Date, cheerfully: Hi, I'm Horny.

Dad, looking cross: Hi, I'm Seething.

Date, still cheerful: I'm here to take Jennifer's virginity out tonight. Is she ready to go?

[Dad furrows his brows.]

Date: I hope I haven’t come too prematurely. [grins]

A young woman's voice off-screen; I'll call her Woman: I'm coming! I'm coming!

[Woman appears just coming down off the stairs, dressed in a little black dress and jewelery, long brunette hair loose and wavy.]

Date, lasciviously: You will be soon. [raises an eyebrow and leers]

Woman: Bye Mum! Bye Dad! [kisses Dad on the cheek]

Dad: Waiiit…

[Woman stands back in the doorway. Dad advances through the doorway, and talks 'privately' with Date.]

Dad, sternly: Do you have any protection while you're driving my daughter home?

Date: Oh, yeah, of course! [fumbles in pocket, produces keys] I've – I've got a Yaris. [clicks the central locking, the red car beeps]

Dad: Oooh! [raises eyebrows approvingly, smiles at Date]

Date: Yep! Couple of, ah, nice big SRS airbags up front, to ah, throw my head into [holds hands up as if cupping giant breasts, makes brbrbrbrbrbrbr noise as if putting head between breasts and mucking around]

[Dad smiles.]

Date: Oh, and traction control for when it gets a bit [lowers voice slightly] slippery and wet. And the best part – it has special [unintelligible] Safe-T-Cell technology!

Dad: Really?

Date: Mm-hmm!

Dad: So she can take a good pounding in any direction! [makes fisting motion]

Date: [mouth hangs open] Um – you bet!

[Dad grins.]

Woman: Come on. [nudges up beside Date, looks lasciviously at him] I'm ready to blow.

[Date and Woman walk down the path.]

Date: [turns around] Oh, and I'll have her on her back by eleven, I promise.

[Dad waves gormlessly.]

[Date and Woman get in the car and drive off. Music starts. Caption: "For good clean getaways." Dad, on the porch, does the Toyota triumphant-leap.]

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One, Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three, Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty-Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two, Sixty-Three, Sixty-Four, Sixty-Five, Sixty-Six, Sixty-Seven, Sixty-Eight, Sixty-Nine, Seventy, Seventy-One, Seventy-Two, Seventy-Three, Seventy-Four, Seventy-Five, Seventy-Six, Seventy-Seven, Seventy-Eight, Seventy-Nine, Eighty, Eighty-One, Eighty-Two, Eighty-Three, Eighty-Four, Eighty-Five, Eighty-Six, Eighty-Seven, Eighty-Eight, Eighty-Nine, Ninety.]