Kenny Blogginz's Great American Movie Review: Couple's Retreat 2: The Adventures of Vince Vaughn Across the Eighth Dimension

Hey all you Shakers out there in cyber-space! Kenny Blogginz here, with another one of my beloved movie reviews!

Now, it may be hard for some of you to believe, but Judd Apatow and I are close personal brohams, and we IM each other all the time on Friendster.com. One day, as I was surfing the 'net and looking at all kinds of lolcats, Judd dropped a huge bro-deuce all over my computer screen:

J*Apatow_420X666x69X@Friendster@Geocities.com: Hey bro! Just wanted to let you know that I'm holding a super secret advanced screening of my new film, Couple's Retreat 2! I would be über-honored if you'd find it in your heart to attend. I know you're super reclusive, like J.D. Salinger but way better at karate, but if you get your ass over to my home theater, you'll automatically gain like eight billion dude-points.

Obviously, I couldn't turn down an offer like that! I threw on my Blogginz-cape, jumped in my Hummer H2, and high-tailed it over to Apatow's secret volcano lair. I used my special Friendship Bracelet to unlock the Laser Doors, and began the four-mile jog to the Home Theater.

When I got to the theater, I was surprised to find that Judd had invited several other internet celebrities to witness his new masterpiece. Chris Crocker was there, Cory Doctorow was there, heck, even Keyboard Cat was there! It was a veritable who's-who of Badass Indie Underground Megastars. I popped a squat next to Keyboard Cat and exchanged a knowing Dude-Wink with Judd. Juddilliam Shakespapatow then walked over to a podium and gave us a short speech about the film we were about to have our minds blown by. Basically, he made us all swear not to write about it on blogs. I was like "I definitely will never do that (LOL)". I mean, we're tight brohams, but my Bloggin' Capes don't pay for their own rhinestones!

Anyway, Judd went on to explain the premise of his magnum opus; basically, Couple's Retreat 2 is set millions of years after the first film. Couple's Retreat was a romantic comedy, but Couple's Retreat 2, Judd assured us, was like the next James Cameron's Avatar. A real sci-fi/fantasy epic. Juddonardo Apavinci then held a short Q-and-A session with us. Keyboard Cat asked Judd why the heck he was directing this sequel, when the first film was directed by Hollywood Darling Peter Billingsley. Judd informed us all that he had beaten Peter in a game of three-dimensional chess, and had therefore won the rights to the sequel. And Peter had to stick his tongue to a flagpole. There were no more questions, so Judd dimmed the lights, and the film began.

I was absolutely blown away by this film. Couple's Retreat 2: The Adventures of Vince Vaughn Across the Eighth Dimension is absolutely groundbreaking. There were motion-capture scenes; there were 3-D scenes; there was even a "Choose Your Own Adventure"-style voting system to determine which ending of the film the audience wanted to see most. Judd filmed roughly ninety-three alternate endings for the audiences to choose from.

Couple's Retreat 2 starts off with a bang—LITERALLY! Vaughn and company come out of cryo-stasis just as the sun is going red-dwarf. They barely have time to board the final Space Train to Planet Hawaii, before the dying sun's radiation turns all the cars in the world into Transformers Decepticons.

Team Vaughn meet many colorful characters on the Space Train, including a CGI family of Mexican Immigrants who are all voiced by comic puppeteer Jeff Dunham. Dunham's racial humor is spot on, and really helps to break up the tension caused by a space virus which kills all of the female characters within the first ten minutes of the film. Vaughn's character, and his fellow bro-dudes, don't even realize that their wives are dead until Jason Batman sez, "Hey, something's not right. Nobody's tried to kill my buzz for several hours. Oh no!" It is a heartfelt and emotional scene, until Jeff Dunham's beloved character José Jalapeño farts on Vince Vaughn's face for like three minutes.

Once Team Vaughn reaches Planet Hawaii, they realize that they are able to have way more fun now that their buzz-kill mother/wives are dead. With no mother/wives, Vaughn and Batman can finally play Call of Duty for weeks on end without doing any boring chores!

Back by popular demand was the weirdo Yoga instructor character, Salvadore, who has managed to stay alive for millions of years through some weirdo yoga shit, probably. In a brilliant nod to the first film, Salvadore tries to teach the 'Vaughn Dudes' yoga, often to no avail. These middle-aged men aren't having any of that weirdo, new age, long-hair, sandal-wearin', eastern bullshit!

Apatow's script showcases Vince Vaughn's acerbic wit brilliantly. Vince's dialogue is impeccable; he is truly the Duke of Sarcasm.

Vaughn's old buddy Owen Wilson makes a surprise cameo appearance, providing the voice of the CGI talking golden retriever, Bong-Water. Bong-Water is a hilarious character, let me tell you right now. Each leg-humping scene had the audience laughing harder and harder, until at one point Cory Doctorow burst a blood vessel in his left eye.

Now, as most of you know, I'm usually quite annoyed by product placement. Apatow does it so artfully in CR 2, however, that I found myself laughing with joy every time I recognized a brand name onscreen. I was laughing with joy during just about every scene, let me tell you. Space Station Red Bull was so beautifully rendered in CGI by Lucasart, I found myself looking for it in the night sky on my way home after the film.

The effects were top notch, the writing was impeccable, and the acting was even better the second time around, no doubt due to Apatow's directorial finesse. As the credits rolled, there was not one dry eye in the audience. Even Keyboard Cat was crying! Couple's Retreat 2 is sure to be the defining movie of my generation. It was truly Apatow's magnum opus. Until, of course, next summer's Couple's Retreat 3: Lisa Lampanelli's Revenge!

[Graphics by Liss.]