A Teen in the Bowels of Health

Hey Shakers! It's Kenny Blogginz, and I'm back with another one of my Teenz Korner American Health Care Updates!

You know, a lot of people have been rappin' at me about health care lately, and I'm starting to get a little bit worried. I can't get a job anywhere, on account of the stank economy. My parents' health-care plans are about to stop covering me in a month. Joe Lieberman is such a douche! How the heck does he think I'm going to pay for my precious pillz? And what about my orthopedic insoles? Fuck! First, 30,000 more troops for Afghanistan, and now this?

I was going to go interview the President of the Hospitals of the USA, but now I'm afraid to leave my house! What if a car runs over my foot? I'll never be able to afford a bionic foot without insurance. I've had to cease practicing the ancient art of Karate, for fear of pulling a hammy. I'm afraid to leave my home, Shakers. This is truly a dark time for our nation's teens.

Shakers, my brother Professor Furious and I have been going to Lollapalooza every year for the past five years. It's like a family tradition. Last year, I developed gigantic blisters on the bottoms of my feet, due to my severely flat feet, combined with the lack of arch support in my shoes. It hurt so bad! Just ask Liss, I showed her some cell-phone pics of my mutilated feet, and she was like Eww, what are you doing with footage from Saw XXXV on your phone? It was that bad.

If I didn't have health insurance, I wouldn't have been able to afford orthopedic insoles for my sneaker shoes. If I couldn't afford inserts for my sneaker shoes, I would have had to stay the eff away from Lollapalooza! Think about it: Without comprehensive health-care reform, all the flat-footed hipsters like myself will have to stop going to outdoor music festivals, and other events which entail long periods of standing and walking.

Naturally, that would cause the economy to crash even harder than it already has, since everybody knows that Fleet Foxes tickets are like 70% of America's Gross Domestic Income or some shit. You think things are bad now? Just you wait until all us mustachioed, skinny-jeans wearing hipsters stop flocking to our concerts and music festivals. President Obama, we need comprehensive foot-health-care reform immediately!

[Note from Liss: Although this is a clearly humorous piece, the issues being discussed herein, including the ongoing medical issues and impending lack of health coverage, are real. KBlogz is sharing his own life experience and using humor to process it; nothing has been invented nor are similar situations being held out for ridicule. And yes, the pictures of his feet were truly gruesome.]