Gremlins in 3D.
I said that Ghostbusters III felt "like a group of creatively bankrupt hasbeens plundering my childhood for greens fees from their dotage," which would be a wildly unfair thing to say about this remake of Gremlins, which feels much more like a group of creatively bankrupt hasbeens plundering my childhood for greens fees from their dotage IN 3-D!!!!eleventy!
New Rule: If you absolutely insist on remaking (or rebooting, or sequelling, or wev) any iconic film of the 1980's that featured as its central protagonist a white cis straight able-bodied male, you must rewrite the main character as a woman, preferably a woman of color, and/or a trans woman, and/or a lesbian/bisexual/asexual, and/or a disabled woman. Or an androgyne. I don't rightly care, as long as you demonstrate some minimal fucking awareness that remaking a film for "a new audience" should mean more than just "a new audience of 14-year-old white boys." Inclusivity = MC2. Show your work!
I eagerly look forward to Virginia Jones and Some Creepy Nazi Paraphernalia, The Last Starfighter starring Selena Gomez, and Jill and Bette's Excellent Adventure.
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