Vloggin' with Blogginz, Episode 10

[Episodes One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine.]

In which we discuss the late-night talkshow wars. The password is: horrible.

[Also available at Daily Motion. Full transcript below.]

Title Card: Vloggin' with Blogginz

Liss: Hello!

KBlogz: Hey!

Liss: How's it goin'?

KBlogz: Pretty great.

Liss: We haven't done a vlog in a really long time.

KBlogz: I knooooow!

Liss: It's been far too long.

KBlogz: It really has.

Liss: Um, I see that Olivia is joining you this evening, as is Sophie.

KBlogz: Hi, Olivia! Hi, Sophie!

[KBlogz reaches out to pet Olivia, who's next to him on the couch; she turns and hisses at him. Liss and KBlogz both laugh.]

Liss: Oh no! A little bit of an attitude problem from Olivia. That was not very nice of her!

[KBlogz grins and shakes his head, because he's used to it.]

Liss: It's weird how sometimes she's like your best friend [KBlogz nods], and sometimes she's like that.

KBlogz: I know; she turns on a dime.

Liss: [sighs] Yeah, she's a little, um, mercurial. [KBlogz nods] Sophie, on the other hand, is your BFF.

KBlogz: [nods and points at Sophie] It's true.

Liss: There she is. [KBlogz laughs] So, I was wondering if you could give me your take on the late-night talkshow wars at NBC, which have been raging lately…?

KBlogz: Okay. [edit] Um, this just feels like the new, you know, war between Team Jacob and Team Edward, so, it's like— [Liss laughs] It's, you know, it's like the new Twilight.

Liss: Yeah. Whose team are you on there?

KBlogz: Um, ooh. Jacob…? I dunno. I don't like to take sides. It's just—I, I enjoy both sides in that debate.

Liss: I agree with you.

KBlogz: Very difficult.

Liss: I mean, how can you choose between glitter and snarl? They're both sexy.

KBlogz: Two very hot dudes.

Liss: Yeah, exactly.

KBlogz: Who are monsters.

Liss: Which is actually the same thing that you can say about Leno and Conan.

KBlogz: Yeah, they're both monsters…but, it's like, Coco is kind of like Frankenstein, in that he—his intentions may be good…?

Liss: Mm-hmm.

KBlogz: But he still causes harm.

Liss: Mm-hmm.

KBlogz: Whereas Jay Leno is more like just an evil, horrible beast [Liss laughs] that just destroys all good things.

Liss: He really is. As you may recall, I actually, uh, organized a campaign of people flipping him off because I hate him so much.

KBlogz: I regret that he never addressed that on his show. Although, that would be kind of weird for you.

Liss: Well, he did say in an interview at one point that, you know, people on the internet are crazy and stupid or something; I don't know. [KBlogz laughs] You know, it was one of those defenses like, you don't have to take it seriously 'cause it's the internet, which isn't…"real."

KBlogz: Right. Well, you should say that teevee isn't real.

Liss: Yeah! Yeah, Leno!

KBlogz: Leno, nobody watches teevee anymore! [Liss laughs] You d-bag.

Liss: [laughing] He really is a d-bag; I can't stand him. I don't understand why he has, like, this likable guy reputation, because I think he seems like such a bully, and there's a really mean undertone to everything he says and does.

KBlogz: He's a horrible, despicable asshole. [laughs]

Liss: Yeah. And his show sucks, let's be honest.

KBlogz: He's not funny.

Liss: No.

[edit]

KBlogz: He has a really horrible delivery—

Liss: Mm-hmm.

KBlogz: —and, um, he will just— It's just so aggressively formulaic and so—

Liss: [laughs] Yeah!

KBlogz: —horrible, and you've got your lowest common denominator business going on—

Liss: Yeah.

KBlogz: He'll just go: [in Jay Leno voice and cadence] "Hey, did you guys hear about Paris Hilton this weekend? Yeah, meh meh meh, apparently, a slut!"

Liss: [bursts out laughing] That's totally right! That's it! He always says apparently, and then says the most "obvious," ridiculous thing ever—that's exactly right. Have you also noticed that he always repeats his punchlines like 50 times?

KBlogz: Yeah. [as Leno] "Meh, slut! Kevin! [as if looking at bandleader/sidekick Kevin Eubanks] Kevin, a slut!"

Liss: [bursts out laughing] That's right! And that's the joke.

KBlogz: Yeah, it is. [shakes head] And people can't get enough of it apparently.

Liss: [laughs] I know; it's horrible. He's so horrible.

[KBlogz laughs; edit]

KBlogz: [as Leno] "Yeah, so, this weekend I was driving around in my classic car, and I came up behind Tim Allen, and he went 'Arugh arugh arugh' and we high-fived each other! Meh meh! [edit] Yeah so, uh, Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer stopped by my house the other day, and, uh, they told me they were going to start filming for the next season of, uh, Two and a Half Men. And, uh, I don't have any joke for that; I'm just really excited. [edit] I was watching TMZ this weekend with my daughters, and, uh—"

Liss: He doesn't have any daughters.

KBlogz: Oh.

Liss: With his wife, Mavis.

KBlogz: [as Leno] "I was watching TMZ by myself in my giant airplane hangar full of cars [Liss laughs] and saw a news story about, uh, you know, Denise Richards, and she's a dumb idiot! Meh meh meh meh! [giggles as Leno] She doesn't know nothin'! [edit] Feh feh feh feh! Meh meh meh meh meh! Meh! Heh heh heh heh heh! [edit] Anyways, uh, you know, living in California is just crazy. Uh, you get to see a lot of Hollywood stars, and they're all dummies, and sometimes I like to call it Hollyweird! [edit] You know, I'm America's Sweetheart! I'm a really nice guy, I'm the nice guy of late night, I'm Jay Leno, everybody loves me, I got so many cars, I wear blue jeans, and a blue jeans shirt—it looks like a jumpsuit! I'm so nice!" [makes mean face]

[edit]

Liss: If his show were, like, a comic strip, what comic strip would it be?

KBlogz: It would be like a lot of comic strips, actually. [Liss laughs] Like, Marmaduke, and—

Liss: Ziggy.

KBlogz: Crack—Crankshaft, and Ziggy. Cathy—except Cathy's a woman, so yeah.

Liss: ACK! ACK!

Title Card: The End!!!