Breaking News: John Mayer Still a Full-Tilt Asshole

[Trigger warning.]

In case you'd forgotten in the last two seconds that John Mayer is a huge dipshit who emits a constant stream of fuckery from his squalid mouth, he's just done a new interview with Playboy in which he shares, among other gems:

1. "I could have fucked a lot more girls in my life if I hadn't been trying so hard to get them to like me."

2. "Once you put aside girls and money, it forces you to realign your motivation for being a musician."

3. "Pornography? It's a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora's box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed."

4. "What if I meet a woman and it's love at first sight, and this woman has the greatest night of her life by telling me to fuck off because she knows my reputation? I always say, 'Turning me down is the new sleeping with me.'"

5. "It's like I come on very strong. I am a very…I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me."

6. "My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."

7. "My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don't see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don't want to pet dogs in the kitchen."

8. "I feel like women are getting their comeuppance against men now. I hear about man-whores more than I hear about whores. When women are whorish, they're owning their sexuality. When men are whorish, they're disgusting beasts. I think they're paying us back for a double standard that's lasted for a hundred years."

9. "I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops. It's been so long since I've taken a random girl home. I don't want to have to submit myself for approval. I don't want to audition. I'd rather come home and edge my shit out for 90 minutes. At this point, before I can have sex I need to know somebody. Unless she's a 14 out of 10."

10. "There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did youever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"

11. "Here's what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she's sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she's like, 'What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you're making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!'"

12. "I hate other men. When I'm fucking you, I'm trying to fuck every man who's ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you'll say 'No one's ever done that to me in bed.'"

13. "The only man I've kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year's Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. ... I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don't think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that's how disgusting this kiss was."

What an absolute charmer he is.

[H/Ts to everyone in the multiverse. Related Reading: John Mayer Thinks Rape Is Hilarious, The Wanker King (Literally).]