Personal Note

Just checking in to say, yes, I still exist. I'm sorry I missed B&T this week, Tuesday I was catching up my sleep debt from two brutal nights of insomnia. And that's kinda how the week's gone, really. It'll be back next week, but I'm officially taking the pressure off myself to get it done this week.

I'm also (and this is partly the reason I'm speaking up about this) suffering, as I do every year, from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which functions for me sort of like a superdepression (that is, a depression layer on top of the usual one). It's February in Canada, so it's dark, and cold, and everything is either white or grey. And working at home as I do, because of my disability, means I can literally go days without leaving the apartment, and without seeing anyone or hearing anything but my own voice or the TV/radio/CD player/whatever.

I'm going to try and get a NQDTR thread up today, and I've got a couple of articles I really want to write (like one on this appalling situation, sent to me by Unree, about a Canadian woman more or less interned in Saudi Arabia for the crime of being a woman, and another from MzBitca via Liss, here). But as with the old regular kind of depression, productivity in "Areas That Don't Contribute To Me Being Fed And Sheltered" is a real problem.

I mention this not because I seek sympathy (but thank you) - my life is what it is, my body is what it is, and it's my lot to live with them - but to be a visible person with an invisible disorder, in a sense. To say to those out there sharing these things with me that they're not alone, that even someone who may appear all successful and shit can turn out to be badly affected too, and that yes, it is possible to live with depression and/or SAD, for some folk (for some; I don't want this to become a lash to whack other sufferers with, just because they're not susceptible to the things that keep me functioning). I muddle through, with a little help from my friends, and a lot of love from those who love me, and with being gentle with myself when it gets heavy and I stop functioning a bit. And with knowing that only a couple more months will bring spring, warmer temps, longer days, less white-and-grey. It'll be more painful (rheumatic pain is no fun in the Days Of Cool And Damp), but it'll be a happier time nonetheless.

So yah. I still exist, and will be writing here again, and the NQDTR will be back, hopefully today. And I'm living with depression, and SAD, and that's just life. I know it sounds contradictory, but I'm really not unhappy; just suffering from depression. All the other depressives are now nodding, cause they get it, but yah, remember:

depression != unhappiness

Hope you all have a lovely day, or have had, if you're at your day's end.

* Note: I really, really don't need suggestions on how to deal with this. I've been doing so since I was a teen, in various ways, which is longer than some of you have been alive. I'm good for coping methods, such as they are, and of the ones I'm not using, you can safely assume that I have investigated them, and discovered they didn't work for me. If they did for you or your friend or your cousin's brother-in-law's hairdresser's mechanic, please know I'm very happy that they've been able to find relief. If someone asks in comments for help with coping strategies, that's on-topic; suggestions to me for how I could live my life differently with $STRATEGY aren't. Thanks. :)