Dear Abby…

by Shaker Vgnvxn, a lady-attorney who lives in DC with her parrot and foster kitty (want to adopt a kitty?).

I am an advice junkie and love to read Dear Abby, even though she isn't always a beacon of progressiveness. However, I was particularly horrified to read last Thursday's article, a response to an article she wrote in December about holding doors open for women.

Before I get started, I want to point out that I am speaking of one specific instance of door-holding: A man gets to a door well-ahead of a woman, then holds it open as she approaches. Not to prevent a door-slam to the face, not because she has packages or visible disability (though that's another issue), not because they were both at the door at the same time so he just grabbed it, not because he opens it for everyone like that, not because of the weather or because he knows she likes it, but because she is a woman.

So back in December, some dude holds a door for a woman, and is "told off" by her: "She said she didn't need any ‘help,' that she was capable of opening her own doors, and it should have been obvious that she wasn't disabled." So this hapless dude (well, his "friend") wants to know if there was "polite comeback" he should have used to respond to this woman.

Dear Abby responded: "No, not unless he wanted to get into a spitting contest with a viper. You say your friend was raised to open doors for ladies. Well, it appears he opened a door for a woman who wasn't one. Please tell him not to give up because anyone with manners would have said thank you and appreciated the gesture. I know I would have."

!!! Uh, what? Absolutely no awareness of the history of chivalry, feminism, or ablism…and totally insulting. But wait, there's more!

So on March 4th, Dear Abby printed reader responses to that craptastic letter. Most offered various insults to future door-hold-objectors: You're rude, not a lady, old, and "must lead a bitter life." Amazingly, there were three responses which did validate the woman's reaction: One from a woman with fibromyalgia, who noted that attempts at help could unsteady her; a short woman who said that it made her physically uncomfortable to walk under a man's arm; and a woman who stated that the practice makes her feel inferior (though I wish she could have gone into why—for me, it's because it originate from a practice that treats women as weak, and it feels like tokenism).

So, you would think our Dear Abby would print a retraction of her original response when faced with evidence that women have valid reasons for objecting to this practice. Instead, she practically cheered on the reinforcement of patriarchal standards through harassment, with a few totally contradictory anecdotes! It was almost as if a woman's physical safety, comfort, or bodily integrity is up for debate—against a man's desire to feel good about "helping!" This brings to mind the street harassment argument: Why should I stop doing something "nice" for women just because some find it offensive/scary/unpleasant?

I actually learned something pretty relevant in my corporate diversity training last year: The Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule decrees that we should treat others as they wish to be treated. It's not whether we like having doors held open, or our girlfriend likes it, or we think it's probably best, or we just really like to fucking do it—it's realizing that some women don't like it, and it only takes a moment to figure out what she prefers. I love that phrase because it reminds me as a privileged person and as a marginalized person to check myself before I assume I know how someone would prefer to be treated.

And you know what, Abby? Teaspoons notwithstanding, we will never create a more polite and respectful world by wielding rudeness to correct perceived rudeness. (Which okay, I learned from Ms. Manners. I told you I was an advice junkie!)

Write Dear Abby here or send snail-mail to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069—and wield a teaspoon in her general direction.