Ron Swanson Kicks Butt

Listen up, you collection of tree-hugging limousine liberals, pinko Commies, dope fiends, queerbaits, ladyboys, fat chicks, feminazi castrators, and assorted freaks: Ron Swanson is the greatest character in the history of television.


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Just look at him. Ain't nobody can convince me that ain't the most beautiful suit that's ever been made. And his mustache is nothing short of fucking majestic.

I haven't watched NBC since they made Tina Fey the lady president of television, but then I lost this bet with my stepmom Cheryl about the name of our high school science teacher. She was right—it wasn't Mr. Mister; that was the name of the band who sung our prom theme my second senior year, "Broken Wings."

Anyway, so I lost this stupid bet, which meant I couldn't watch my WWE Greatest Jon Cena Moves tape for a whole week. And one night I got so bored that I watched what Cheryl was watching, and she was watching this show for losers, some documentary about some rejects who work for some city government in Indiana, and I was just about to leave when Ron fuckin' Swanson came onscreen. And I was all, "What the fuck, Cheryl? Why didn't you tell me about this HERO?!"

So then I started taping Parks & Recreation, or, as I call it, The Ron Swanson Show—and you know I really like it, because I taped over an Ice Road Truckers marathon I'd only seen halfway through, 'cuz I couldn't find a blank tape.

And although that Amy Boulder lady is hot and shit, I really watch it for Ron Swanson, because that guy's a genius. He works for the government, even though he hates it, and he loves breakfast food more than any other kind. Ha ha—that's so ME. Words of wisdom drop from Ron Swanson's mouth like words of wisdom would drop from a wisdom waterfall. Check this shit out:

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living.

That reminds me of another thing I have in common with Ron Swanson: We both have two ex-wives, both named Tammy. Except his were two different ladies. I just married my fiancée Tammy twice before. Third time's a charm!

Man, I wish Ron Swanson could be my best man, because he's the best man there is. ANYWHERE!

Proof? I dug out my old Murdock action figure and drew on a mustache and turned it into a Ron Swanson action figure.


And now it's ten million times more awesome. That's the power of Ron Swanson.

[Previously by Butch Pornstache: Happy Taxes and Teabags Day, I'm a Proud Teabagger and Real American, Men and Trucks and Shit, Cats and Shit, Books and Cupcakes and Shit.]