Dale Peterson is a Great American

All right, you collection of tree-hugging limousine liberals, pinko Commies, dope fiends, queerbaits, ladyboys, fat chicks, feminazi castrators, and assorted freaks: You wanna talk about campaign ads? Let's talk about campaign ads.

Specifically, let's talk about how this campaign ad is the Greatest Campaign Ad ever made since Adam rode a dinosaur out of the Garden of Eden and into this wild, woolly world of ours. Watching this ad brings a goddamn tear to my eye, and that hasn't happened since those liberal bastards canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard."

I told my stepmom Cheryl last night that this ad makes me want to move to Alabama just so's I can vote for Dale Peterson. She said that was a good idea, but I think it's more just 'cuz she's tired of me selling weed and ammo out of the garage.

Anyway, this is what a Great American looks like. Take note, traitors. Pornstache: Out.


[Transcript by your oh-so-sensitive ringleader below.]

[The ad opens with a shot of Peterson's Marines pin and dogtags lying on a reproduction of the Constitution; orchestral music that wouldn't sound out of place in a Ken Burns documentary or Glory swells. Cut to Dale, who is a white man wearing a cowboy hat, sunglasses, a button-down shirt, and dungarees, riding a horse in a field on a sunny day.]

Peterson: I'm Dale Peterson, and I'm after the Republican nomination for Alabama Agriculture Commissioner. [Peterson gets down off the horse.] I've been a farmer, a businessman, a cop, a marine during Vietnam, so listen up! [Peterson takes off his sunglasses.] Alabama Ag Commissioner is one of the most powerful positions in Alabama, responsible for five billion dollars. Bet you didn't know that! You know why? Thugs and criminals! If they can keep you in the dark, they can do whatever they want with all that money! And they don't give a rip about Alabama!

Here we are, losing three family farms a day, illegals bust in by the thousands, and Alabama's unemployment's at an all-time high. And what are my opponents doing about it? Stealing yard signs in the night from my supporters!

Norman Grace brags on his Facebook page about receiving contributions from industries he would regulate. Bragging about receiving illegal money on Facebook! [inexplicable close-up of horse's face] Who on earth would support such a dummy?! And why?! [back to Peterson, who's just pulled out a rifle] We're Republicans—we should be better than that!

I'm Dale Peterson. I'll name names and take no prisoners. [he swings the rifle around] Give me the Republican nomination for Ag Commish and let's show Alabama we mean business!

[Previously by Butch Pornstache: Happy Taxes and Teabags Day, I'm a Proud Teabagger and Real American, Men and Trucks and Shit, Cats and Shit, Books and Cupcakes and Shit, Ron Swanson Kicks Butt.]