Oh. Oh my. Oh my.

[Trigger warning.]

Guess what? Glenn Beck has a new book out, in a self-created genre he describes as "faction," or "fiction based on fact." I like to call it "wiggle room."

More guess what: It's worse than you think. We're talking Battlefield Earth bad.

The book (Which Beck "wrote" with a team of three writers; yes, like Hollywood's best, more writers can only mean better writing!) is more or less a ridiculously transparent ploy to vacuum even more money out of the wallets of the Tea Party:

First, a quick summation of the plot, such as it is. The protagonist, Noah Gardner, works for an impossibly powerful public relations firm in Manhattan that has been the driving force behind pretty much every political and cultural movement of the 20th century. Their latest and grandest scheme is the culmination of a lengthy plot to change the United States into some sort of ill-defined progressive plutocracy, and the catalyst for this change is a nuclear explosion that will occur outside the home-state office of "the current U.S. Senate majority leader," which happens to be at the same address as Harry Reid's Las Vegas offices. The nuclear attack is to be blamed on the Founders Keepers, a Tea Party-like group -- led by Noah's love interest, Molly Ross -- that is working to foil the plot.

Expect lots of blar-de-har trashing of this "book" (Hey, just like this post!) all over the progressive blogosphere, and tons of money being dumped into Beck's coffers. Same as it ever was.

I just have one question. Seriously, where do wingnut writers come up with their names? Noah Gardner? Really? Molly Ross? Beck and his team are giving Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye a run for their money.

Even more guess what: Women get the amount of depth and respect that you'd expect.

Noah and Molly find themselves in bed together early in the book after a harrowing experience at a Founders' Keepers rally. They agree to sleep in bed together because Molly is too scared to sleep at home, but Molly insists that nothing sexual will take place. Noah agrees, on the condition that she "not do anything sexy." She presses her cold feet against his legs, and Noah responds:

"Suit yourself, lady. I'm telling you right now, you made the rules, but you're playing with fire here. I've got some rules, too, and rule number one is, don't tease the panther."

Yeah.