Woman dates man, has vaginal orgasms

[Trigger warning for transphobic othering]

So last night I was reorganizing my back issues of Maxim when Liss alerted me to this important story that Irin at Jezebel had [tw] deconstructed. Apparently this journalist and his friend Ryan like the ladies, which is great, because ladies are hot amirite?

Back in 2008, the journalist wrote [tw] this story about this major hottie, titled "The Second Most Beautiful Girl in New York.” At first I was honored, but then I realized this was probably one of those times when downstaters say “New York” when they really mean “New York City.” Look, just because you can't find Utica on a map, it doesn't give you the right to erase me, okay? Asshole.

In any case, there's a picture, and he's right, his friend's girlfriend is almost as hot as Candice Cayne. I sure as hell wouldn't throw that out of bed for aging. Of course, Cayne is originally from Hawai'i, which isn't even part of America, but I digress.

Still, this dude's girlfriend was “totally fucking hot.” Back in the day, she had this hideous beast between her legs, which confused the crap out of her. I usually break out the kibble when my cats get all up in my business, but I suppose that's just me.

Anyways, back in 2003 this lady went to a Dr. Meltzer and paid him $16,000 to make her a vagina.

Whut.

$16,000?!? I remember when I was a wee trans girl, my great trans mother used to tell me stories about the old country, where the fish were plentiful and vaginas were three for a dollar. All the ladies had perky breasts, and the bread at local market? Oh my goodness, to taste it was to die and go to heaven. But I digress, because none of this is very important. Unless of course you're Spencer Morgan and you're writing this totes important profile of this lady your bro' used to date back when he was all "emotionally distant" and shit.

It turns out this lady spent $50,000 to go on a date with Mr. Morgan's friend, unless I'm misreading something. In any case, there were vaginal orgasms. And really, isn't that what it's all about? I wouldn't know, but that's what I've read in Cosmo.

I didn't believe it, but apparently guys have issues with ladies with surgically-made vaginas. Weird right? I mean, I know a lot of ladies with real vaginas, and none of them have had any problems with guys, and I've got a penis and I get hit on all the fucking time (not cool guys-- it totally kills my game with the ladies). Anyhow, apparently dudes don't like ladies like this one, this Jamie Clayton chick.

Okay, I exaggerated. Mr. Morgan's friend, Ryan, likes Ms. (it's Ms., right?) Clayton, cause he's a totally hip dude. Not only did he like Jamie, but he also respected her, on account of how she saved $16,000 to buy a vagina. ($16,000? Does it come with a sub-compact car? Christ.) Anyhow, we find out that Ryan's totally like David Bowie, presumably in that he wears eyeliner and objectifies women.

I work for the government, so I can't afford cable TV. Apparently, this Jamie Clayton is on a TV show on the Video Hits One? It's pretty cool-- she goes around and makes over people who aren't as hot as her. I'd totally watch it if I had the money, I love fantasizing about clothes I can't afford. Of course, I'm trans, so that comes with the territory. And shoes! OMFG shoes! When I get a job in the private sector (and what trans lady doesn't have a job in the private sector, right?), I shall have cable, and I shall have many shoes.

Anyhow, Spencer Morgan know a guys who probably slept with Jamie Clayton, and probably gave her vaginal orgasms, and he's also got a newspaper column, so...... This Tuesday he decided to debate whether Ms. Clayton has gotten all uppity and shit. Well, uppity within the context of being a “totally fucking hot transsexual.”

Apparently, that first article was a pretty big deal. Did you know there are trans people on the internet? I know, right? Anyhow, they all seemed to like it and shit. They love her new show, too! How could they not, there are shoes, right?

Aside from a few feminists at this lady blog who are feeling oppressed n' junk, folks seemed to love this hot lady. Feminists suck though. They all hate the trans ladies. Losers.

Apparently there are people who don't like the word “tranny”? I mean, Jamie's cool with it and all. And she even has vaginal orgasms. With a $16,000 vagina. Does that include, like, chrome labia? That seems really fucking expensive. How do those ladies come up with the money to do that? I guess you really need to consider these things from a per-orgasm perspective. Like, if you have a vagina for 50 years, and you have 20 vaginal orgasms a week (that's normal, right?), that works out to about 31 cents an orgasm. That's pretty cheap when you think about it.

Oh, and also Jamie's sister worries that someone might kill Jamie, lol.

But that's not important. What's important is finding out what this one guy that Jamie dumped thought of her. He thinks that she's pretty cool for a “tranny”, but the other trannies are probably still icky. He's not gay, BTW. Wait, she dumped this dude?

After getting through those two articles, I contemplated retiring from the blogosphere, what with the downfall of the standard trans narrative(TM), the end of tokenism, and the resolution of all those other reasons my great trans mother left the old country. Then I remembered that I apparently have to come up with $16,000. As it turns out, they don't actually let you do a monthly per-vaginal-orgasm plan like the phone company does. Which they really should. I guess the feminists that run these things figure there might be some sort of bodily-integrity value behind ladybits, so now they demand cash up front. Assholes.

Via.