Farewell, Cathy!

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, because I know all you femifarts, queerbaits, gender-benders, fat chicks, and various other dinguses don't have a lot to be happy about, what with all the normal people hating you and all, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do: America's—heck, the world's—best-loved comic strip, "Cathy," is coming to an end. "AACK!"

Well, actually, "Garfield" is probably the favorite comic strip of discerning comic-strip aficionados the world over, because HA HA that cat eats lasagna, man.

Oh, wait—"Marmaduke" might be number one. I mean, nothing fails to brighten my day when I'm feeling down in the dumps, like when I lost that bet to my friend Dick Balzac about whether I could fart 20 times in under a minute (I usually can—leave it to my butt to fail when my NASCAR collector shoehorns are on the line!), than a perusal of the "Marmaduke" strips I've got stuck on the fridge for just such an occasion. HA HA that dog is BIG!

And "Hägar the Horrible" is the fucking MAN. I love me some Viking shit. One time, me and my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy went as Hägar and his wife Helga to this costume party—only it turned out not to be a costume party; I just got mixed up because when my friend Max Butz invited me, he said to "dress up," and I thought he meant in, like, costumes and shit. Like I'm supposed to know that he wanted me to wear some stupid suit to his kid's baptism. Whatever. I still really love "Hägar the Horrible," though.

Well, shit. Come to think of it, I also really like that "Love Is…" cartoon, with them little naked cupids or whatever. And the Lockhorns! Shit, man—that strip is hilarious! It's funny because it's TRUE. Mars and Venus, man. Mars and Venus.

And what about "Ziggy"? Dude is all, "That sucks! SADFACE!" I love that guy.

Oh, and "Crankshaft" is a not-miss on the comics page for me. That old guy is a CRANKY DICK! Hey—I just thought about how that's a whaddayacallit, a double-on-tonder or whatever. He's a cranky "shaft," and he drives a bus that has a part called a crankshaft. Do you think the guy who writes that did that on purpose? Pretty clever if he did. See, that's why I could never be a comic writer person. They're like the stand-up comedians of the newspaper.

You know what comic I don't like, though? "Burt and Ernest." It's just these two guys sitting around talking about shit, and I swear it's like they ripped that shit off "Conniving & Sinister." Which I hate even more than "Burt and Ernest."

Fuck, what was I talking about again…? Oh, yeah—"Cathy." Well, that's a pretty funny strip, too. Top 10, anyway.

But now, after 34 years, it's gonna end. "AACK!" HA HA. "AACK!" I love that.

And I'm honestly kind of sad about it. I mean, yeah, it made me laugh, but it taught me a lot, too. (I always think the best kind of learning is the kind that makes you laugh while it's sticking stuff in your head.) Probably 98% of what I know about modern women—like how they love to be called "modern women" because it's the word equivalent of one of them power-suits with the shoulder-pads—I learned from "Cathy."

Like, before I started reading "Cathy," I didn't know that women have "four basic guilt groups"—Food, Love, Mom, and Work. And I didn't know that the main things women think about are their weight, cake, shopping, and shoes. My dad always told me all women think about are "getting pregnant and sucking you dry" (that's what she said), but he was wrong, which pains me to say—"AACK!" HA HA—because he was pretty much a genius about women otherwise, which is how he managed to get eight different women to marry him. But anyways, women think about shoes a lot. And cake.

I wouldn't ever buy any of them "Cathy" compilations for myself, because a man being interested in women is totally gay and shit, but my stepmom Cheryl has all the collections, and I ain't ashamed to say I've read 'em all. My favorites are probably the '81 classic I think I'm having a Relationship with a Blueberry Pie!, the '84 side-splitter Men should come with instruction booklets (HA HA WOMEN SHOULD!), the '85 work of brilliance Wake me up when I'm a size 5, and 2000's Shoes: Chocolate for the Feet. Chocolate for the feet!—where does she come up with this stuff?!

You know, not that long ago, me and my friend Dick Balzac almost got into a huge fight because he was calling me a pussy for reading "Cathy." He was all, "That crap's for women. If it was for dudes, it would be about a dude!" And that made me really mad. I mean, my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy and my stepmom Cheryl and my niece Sierra watch movies and read books and shit with main characters that are dudes all the time. (Seriously, if I have to hear any more about this Harry Potter dingus, I'm going cast a spell for earpluggium leavemebeus.) I mean, it's actually kind of cool to read something that's about the women's perspective once in awhile. When I told this to Dick Balzac, though, you'd have thought I told him I was changing my name to Vagina Cootersnatch or something, the way he went on.

Whatever. See what hanging around you femifarts all the time is doing to me? I'm going to lose all my brohams now because of your brainworms about women's lib corrupting my grey matter.

Anyways, I guess I just want to say "Thanks, Cathy!"—because I really enjoyed reading you and I learned a lot. I wouldn't be half the sex machine I am today if it weren't for understanding so much about womankind because of you.

Farewell, Cathy! Thanks for all the mammaries! HA HA!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised Tammy I'd take her out to dinner someplace special for her birthday, and my car ain't gonna drive itself to Hooters.

Pornstache: Out.

[Previously by Butch Pornstache: Happy Taxes and Teabags Day, I'm a Proud Teabagger and Real American, Men and Trucks and Shit, Cats and Shit, Books and Cupcakes and Shit, Ron Swanson Kicks Butt, Dale Peterson is a Great American, I'm a Man and I Enjoy Mancations. Pamela Gorman is a Great American, Fireworks and Shit, My Great Review of Twilight: Eclipse.]