How to Write a David Brooks Column

1. Report something your "liberal friends" are saying. ("Many of my liberal friends are convinced that the Republican Party has a death wish. It is sprinting to the right-most fever swamps of American life. It will end up alienating the moderate voters it needs to win elections.")

2. Assert that they're wrong. ("There's only one problem with this theory. There is no evidence to support it.")

3. Base that assertion on an irrelevant caveat. ("The Republican Party may be moving sharply right, but there is no data to suggest that this has hurt its electoral prospects, at least this year.") Emphasis mine.

4. Insert 5-10 paragraphs of incomprehensible bullshit, peppered with folksy aphorisms, contextless factoids, and/or meaningless statistics. ("Blah blah independents blah blah 29% approval rating blah blah excesses of American culture blah blah fart.")

5. Make the very same fucking point your "liberal friends" were making. ("This doesn't mean that the Tea Party influence will be positive for Republicans over the long haul. The movement carries viruses that may infect the G.O.P. in the years ahead.")

6. Claim it's an entirely different point by virtue of irrelevant caveat. ("But that damage is all in the future.")

7. Write pithy and typically asinine conclusion. ("Right now, the Tea Party doesn't matter. The Republicans don't matter. The economy and the Democrats are handing the G.O.P. a great, unearned revival. Nothing, it seems, is more scary than one-party Democratic control.")

Now go get yourself a job at the New York Times!

You're welcome.