A Conservative Halloween. Or: Check Out This Totes Hip Counter-Culture, Yo.

One of my favorite parts of Halloween is all the evidence of conservative Christian projection. They whinge incessantly, with precious little evidence (that is, none), about how pro-choice advocates lie and fearmonger to try to talk pregnant women into abortions, but then they celebrate Halloween with Hell Houses, which are nothing but mendacious fearmonging on steroids. They routinely accuse queer people of trying to recruit children, but then they spend Halloween handing out Christian propaganda instead of candy.

Six years ago, my nephew came home from trick-or-treating with two books in his bag o' goodies, which my sister was appalled to discover (and removed from his sight before he read them). When she showed them to me, I begged her to let me have them, and she kindly agreed, since they were otherwise destined for the rubbish bin. Apparently, some of their neighbors felt that kids didn't need candy so much as a lesson on Christianity and Evil in the form of a strange little hardback comic book.

I can't even imagine how many of these things were handed out to unsuspecting kids, many of whom (like my nephew) were raised Christian, but a decidedly different flavor.

You'll have to forgive the quality of the images; I took photos of the pages when I first posted them five years ago, because I didn't (and still don't) have a flat scanner, and I didn't want to destroy the books to share them. (Not all the pages have been posted, but you'll get the gist.)

Book One: Satan, Bite the Dust!
A Storybook for Kids


[cover of book with title and image of gunslinger]

Warrant

[picture of warrant reading: "WARRANT for the arrest of Satan and his demonic cohorts / By the power of the Body of Christ in the Name of Jesus Christ / Satan, bite the dust!"]

Carman (not to be confused with Cartman of South Park fame)
enters the saloon and makes plain his plan…


[image of gunslinger saying: "Satan, bite the dust!"]

Satan and his gang of wicked henchmonsters (identified in the
book as his "unholy herd") are having none of Carman's B.S.


[image of swarthy nogoodniks]

Cartman knows the only way to deal with evildoers is to…

…beat the shit out of them!






[images of gunslinger violently beating up the swarthy nogoodniks]

Carman, who announces he represents "a whole new breed of Christian today,"
knows that a good, old-fashioned ass-whuppin' won't take care of the devil
himself, so he pulls out his gun…


[image of gun labeled "THE WORD"]

…and his bullets…


[image of bullets labeled "THE WORD" and "TESTIMONY"]

…and blows the devil clean away!


[image of devil being shot and killed]

The End.

But this little tale of Christian murder and mayhem does come with a warning for the kiddies…

["The gun used in this book represents the Word of God. Guns are dangerous but have no power in the spirit realm."]

That's right. Guns are dangerous, but they have no power in the spirit realm. So you should only use them to kill heretics, not the devil. Happy Halloween!

* * *

Book Two: No Monsters
A Storybook for Kids


[cover of book with title and image of grown-up Carman]

Our story begins with Young Carman watching a scary movie, all alone…

[image of child Carman watching a movie at night by himself: "When I was just a little kid I saw this movie about a crazy lunatic, you see." (And thus are "monsters" established to be people with mental illness.)]

His parents are, inexplicably, nowhere to be found, so he
only has the crazy lunatic on the teevee to keep him company.


[image of Carman being scared by "crazy lunatic" on TV]

Carman gets it in his head that the crazy lunatic is after him!


[image of Carman explaining he thinks the "crazy lunatic" is after him]

In spite of his disturbing relationship with
horror movies, Carman continues to watch them…


[image of Carman scared and watching another horror movie]

…including one about an alligator man…


[image of "alligator man," which just looks like a crocodile]

["I watch him while he chases and he hunts this peaceful family through the woods with only one thing on his mind..."]

…devouring the peaceful family's child!


[image of scared child in movie]

Carman gets very scared when he goes to bed…


[image of scared Carman in bed with sheets pulled up]

…and he sees an evil spirit float by his bed, but…






[First image: "I got righteously indignant! I was gonna make that demon pay! I could hardly believe the nerve of this little punk demon. I thought, Heyyyy...all right! That's it, you're dead!" Second image: Carman holding out a Bible and saying: "I am the temple of the Holy Ghost! And I'm protected by the Lord of Hosts! Get out in the name of Jesus Christ!" Third image: "Don't want no monsters in my house tonight! Don't want no monsters in my house! You won't get me screamin', you're nothin' but a demon! It's time for you to go now!"]

Carman's Christianity takes care of the imaginary demon once and for all, and he finally gets a good night sleep! Yay!

Or so one imagines. The book ends there. Maybe the monsters killed him. Who knows? Kind of anti-climactic, to be honest.

The one good thing about No Monsters, though, is this:


["Just 4 Kidz Product Order Form"]
An order form right in the back! I can order music, videos, more books—and I just might, so I can keep educating all you filthy heretics and hopefully save your eternal souls from, uh, alligator men.

Happy Halloween!