DADT and Shit

[Trigger warning for references to sex-based bullying, a la hazing rituals.]

So, I hear some of you femifarts, queerbaits, gender-benders, fat chicks, and various other dinguses are wondering what I think about gays in the military. Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm all for it.

I mean, I'm irresistible! Just ask my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy. And if some dude's totally in love with me, as I would fully expect any self-respecting lover of men to be, then he's gonna work extra hard to make sure I don't die, amirite?!

Aww, I'm just joshing ya, queers. I know it don't work that way. It's like, just because I'm attracted to women don't mean I'm going to get a boner for Nancy Pelosi.

(Full Disclosure: I do get a boner for Nancy Pelosi. Even though I'm a Patriot Hero and she's a Socialist She-Devil, which should make her a total boner-killer, something about the way she wrangles them Senators gives me a case of the flying monkeys in my nether regions. Probably because of all you femifarts corrupting my goddamn gray matter with your women's libber nonsense.)

Point is, I know that not every gay dude is going to get a boner for me, and I guess most of the lesbians won't get ladyboners for me, either. And, boners notwithstanding, they'd all get my back, if I was in the shit in Upper Fuckistan or wherever-the-hell with them, because that's what soldiers do. So what the hell, man. Anyone who wants to protect my ass is all right by me.

Anyways. I wasn't always so enlightened, though.

Back when I was in the National Guard to beat a weed rap, I was one of those knuckle-dragging dipsticks who thought gay dudes would ogle my b-hole in the shower and mess with my junk while I was trying to sleep or whatever. I was all: "Fuck yeah! DON'T ASK DON'T TELL! Fuckin' homos!" and shit like that. (I don't know if you've noticed, but I was kind of a dumbshit when I was a kid.) The weird thing is that there was, like, a ton of queer shit that went on in the barracks—dudes were always slapping each other's asses with towels and flicking each other's sacs and there was SO MUCH NAKED WRASSLIN. I can't even count as high as the number of purple nurples I got back in the day.

Later on, when I accidentally went to a bar called Manhole because I thought it was a construction-themed pub, I bumped into the two guys I liked the best from my Guard unit, because they were never trying to hump me for a gag or whatever, and found out they were both gay. That blew my mind, man. BLEW. MY. MIND.

That's not the sort of blowing I expected when I used to think all my prejudicial thoughts about gays, man.

And I gotta tell ya, I never figured that some of my old Guard buddies would be my only gay friends on Facebook, but there ya go. Life's funny that way.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. My position on gay soldiers. (That's what he said.) Listen, I'm not a scientist and I'm no Professor of Queerology, but I ain't seen any evidence that gay and straight soldiers can't serve together just fine, and I ain't seen nothing to suggest that the military is going to fall apart like a badly rolled joint if gay soldiers actually just start saying the words, "I'm gay."

I swear it's like the military acts like as long as they don't say it, the gay's turned off or something. Shit, man. The more you think about this policy, the stupider it gets, ya know?

I loves me some John McCain (STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS HIGH FIVES!) and some Colin Powell (Colin, heh heh), but it's like they just want to protect the gay-haters. And, christ, man, that was me when I was a kid, and, even though I kinda hate that I'm going soft in my old age (that's what she said), I really gotta admit I ain't sure that telling me I was right when I was a know-nothing kid who'd never even met an openly gay lady or dude was the best thing for me, never mind for the gay guys I was serving with.

All right, I ain't got all night to write flippin' essays. My stepmom Cheryl is making fish fingers tonight, and I need to go make my special dipping sauce. I hope we ain't outta pickle juice or I'm gonna be PISSED.

Pornstache: Out.

[Previously by Butch Pornstache: Happy Taxes and Teabags Day, I'm a Proud Teabagger and Real American, Men and Trucks and Shit, Cats and Shit, Books and Cupcakes and Shit, Ron Swanson Kicks Butt, Dale Peterson is a Great American, I'm a Man and I Enjoy Mancations. Pamela Gorman is a Great American, Fireworks and Shit, My Great Review of Twilight: Eclipse, Farewell, Cathy!]