Just a Big Misunderstanding

by Shaker RedSonja

[Trigger warning for stalking, controlling suitor, general menace.]

This link popped up in my Facebook feed today from Kate Harding. It's the story of a poor, misunderstood dude who, after what appears to be single coffee date, felt entitled to "check up" on a woman after she declined his offer of a dinner date. With a concealed loaded gun.

On Nov. 17th, Thomas Hackbarth parked outside a Planned Parenthood clinic after hours and got out of his car with a gun tucked into the waistband of his pants. Unsurprisingly, the Planned Parenthood security guard called the police. Imagine their surprise at this story:

He said Tuesday that he is not familiar with the Highland Park area and didn't know he was at Planned Parenthood when he pulled into the empty lot so that he could look for a woman he had met online.

Hackbarth said he had coffee with the woman on Nov. 15, and asked her to dinner the next night but she told him she couldn't because of a commitment she had with a female friend in Highland Park. Hackbarth said he felt that she might have been seeing a man instead, so he parked his car and walked around the block looking for her car.

…"I was not a jealous boyfriend," said Hackbarth, who is in the process of divorcing his wife of 25 years. "I was just trying to check up on her. It's totally a misunderstanding."

Hackbarth [who has a permit to carry a concealed weapon] said that he always carries his fully loaded gun, and understands why the security guard was alarmed.

Who the hell decides that, after meeting someone for coffee, you are immediately entitled—nay, obligated—to make sure that she's not with another man?! Oh, stalkery entitled douchebags with unchecked privilege and no sense of boundaries who believe that women are their property and have no respect for their autonomy, that's who!

While stalking is frightening enough, the loaded gun makes this even scarier. Hackbarth does have a permit for concealed carry, so his actions weren't illegal. But since he began his controlling behavior immediately after meeting this woman, I'm skeptical of his ability to shrug off this event—and, from his twisted perspective, her "lie"—without having a douchetantrum of massive proportions. When guys like this escalate, altercations easily become fatal with the addition of a loaded gun to the mix.

I sincerely hope this woman has a strong support system around her, as I would be terrified at the moment. And IANAL, but I'm guessing that this story alone isn't enough to get an order of protection, despite its being full of more red flags than a World Cup final. Which says something about our society—a man admittedly stalking a woman to check up on her with a loaded weapon isn't cause enough to make him legally stay away. Ugh.

Oh, by the way: Thomas Hackbarth is an eight-term Minnesota state legislator. Are you terribly surprised to find out he's an anti-choice Republican? Smelling salts for everyone, please!