Silly Men!

by Shaker BrianWS

So, Liss sends me this email this morning with the subject line "OMG LOLOLOLOLOL."

At first, I was thinking, "OMG please let there be an awesome Top Chef GIF in here." But, alas, it was not.

It was, however, actually something much, MUCH better: This.

(For those uninterested in clicking through, it's an article at CNN headlined "Men and their holiday shopping battle," by Bradley Gallo. And, yes, it is as terrible as it sounds.)

My first thought was, "Wow, there is an awful lot of bullshit in here to unpack," because it's a heterocentrist piece of trash in so many delicious ways. First off, naturally there's no discussion in this article about how gay men shop, but we already know the reason why that is. Gay men get their own articles, which are always completely different from this one—high style, fine clothing, expensive wine, ULTRA-GAY RESORTS BEWARE THEY ARE COMING FOR YOUR TOWN! The entire article is about how "men," period, can't shop, hate shopping, and are just too fucking stupid to be able to successfully complete, much less enjoy, such a womanly pursuit like shopping. That is, as long as they're straight men, implying once again that gay men aren't "real men."

I'll let Liss's email unpack the other portion of it. "This article is just another perfect example of how the patriarchy is the greatest enemy of men, because 'dudez are bumbling numpties who can't even buy Crimbo pressies without shitting on their own shoes' isn't exactly a classic feminist trope, ahem."

I don't really have anything to add to that bit of hilarity, especially because I have no fucking clue what several words in there even mean.

Anyway, as I've become particularly fond of doing recently, I've just got to point out a couple of my favorite parts of the article. I mean I seriously HAVE to, they're that good. A Mix CD of my favorites below.

"They come in with a list -- they don't want to get the wrong thing -- they bring in a bottle or a ripped page of a magazine," Rodriguez said. Men are always asking her, "are you sure this is the one? Are you sure?"

"Are you sure this is the one?" I don't know about you, but this one really encompasses the entire article quite well. A straight man comes in holding the fucking page of a magazine with the product's picture on it, holds the actual product in his other hand, and needs a kind ladyperson to help him solve a particularly gnarly visual puzzle about whether two things that look exactly alike are the same thing. "Hey, I know that I'm looking for this bottle of Celine Dion's Belong perfume like I have in this picture, and though this bottle in my hand is the same size, says 'Celine Dion Belong' on it, and looks exactly the same, can you just do a quick double-check for me to make sure I'm not gonna royally screw this one up and accidentally buy a bottle of antacids instead of perfume?"

What a weird little anecdote about stupid men and their stupid inability to shop.

"I tell women up front that I don't celebrate holidays," and Wilson only buys a gift that he knows his girl is willing to match in cost on a gift for him.

I wonder how many dudes he had to go through interviews with before this article got finished. Like he'd ask a guy how he felt about shopping and he'd say "Eh, it's not my favorite, but I don't mind it that much."

Nope. Not a big enough douchebag; let's ask someone else! "It's one of my least favorite things in the entire world and to be perfectly honest, I would rather spend an entire week locked in a small room with Newt Gingrich than do this shit." Nope. Not a big enough douchebag—come on world, aren't there ANY TOTAL ASSHOLES IN THIS MALL????

Then he found that guy. "She's only buying me Call of Duty: Black Ops and the headset for Xbox so I can talk to my broskis while we're fucking launching grenades and shit into each other online. Seriously, have you seen that fucking game? Nah, really, babe, it's unreal, you should test it out sometime or get it for your boyfriend. Oh, how much does that cost? Eh, maybe a hundo when you add it all up, so I was like fuck that necklace she keeps talking about, I'm getting her socks with ponies on them, and some Neutrogena face lotion, and chocolate, maybe a Julia Roberts DVD or something, you know, shit ladies like, but only up to $98, not a penny more!"

But some men are romantics and they treat the process with care. Sohaib Ansari is 24 years old and originally from Pakistan. The love of his life has just finished her exams back in their home country. He wants to surprise her with a gift.

Ansari knows that females love jewelry. "It means something. It makes them pretty. It makes them beautiful," he said. He is looking for that one piece to pop out and make the decision for him. "This is my first time buying for her so it has to be special."

OMGWTFWHUT?!! "Ansari knows that females love jewelry." Of course they do. And pink shit. And babies. And pictures of babies dressed in pink wearing lots of jewelry.

"It makes them pretty." Seriously, Shakers, I love mocking articles like this, and this line may have actually broken my will. It makes them pretty? No, pal, it makes you an asshole. Does he bother with any real knowledge of whether the love of his life actually loves jewelry, or is he just assuming that she does because women are pink, baby, jewelry robots programmed from birth to serve his gender stereotypes?

I hope she hates his gift and tells him she'd rather he'd have bought her a football.

And finally…

What if a man has to handle this completely on their own?

Shakers, this is not a world I want to live in. I'm going to go sleep this one off.