Hey, No Strings Attached, I GET IT

So, there are like a zillion reasons that the new Natalie Portman-Ashton Kutcher film No Strings Attached looks like garbage farts, and I'm not even going to bother getting into a feminist critique of the plot as represented by the trailers, because we could be here all year.

I am merely going to say: I GET IT THERE ARE STRINGS ATTACHED.

There is no need to put balloons and tampon references and "I've Got the World on a String" (lol I am being hit in the head with string metaphors!) in your trailers. We're all adults here and we know that if there were REALLY no strings attached, there would be NO PLOT, not even the thin cardboard excuse for a substantial story upon which this terrible-looking film no doubt turns.

STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

I can only guess now that No Strings Attached is #1 at the box office (where's my foam finger?!), we'll be getting the customary second round of trailers with new and even FUNNER clips to try to convince reluctant movie-goers to go drop their hard-earned string cash on this movie; I will bet one container of the finest dental floss that we will be privy to at least one scene of Ashton Kutcher playing with a yo-yo and one scene of Natalie Portman looking adorable while wearing an unraveling sweater and sitting next to a kitten playing with a ball of yarn.

I only hope that I don't need to insert a SPOILER WARNING in front of my guess that Ashton Kutcher's character is a PROFESSOR OF STRING THEORY LULZ.