When Douches Collide

by Shaker NapalmNacey

Shakers, following is a piece of news so hilariously awful, if I could, I'd frame this shit and put it on the wall with the plaque, "People Are Assholes – An Illustration."

You've been warned.

Remember how Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, and made fun of everybody in the most offensive way ever? Well, Judd Apatow didn't like it.

I'll let that simmer for a minute. Yeah. Judd Apatow didn't like Hollywood being the butt of thoughtless, horrible jokes.

Producers Guild Awards host Judd Apatow built his opening monologue around a profanity-laced attack on the way Ricky Gervais handled his Golden Globe Awards hosting chores a week earlier in the same room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel.

"What did you think of Ricky Gervais?" he asked the black-tie industry crowd Saturday night. "I didn't like him. I thought he was mean."

And he didn't just say this as an aside or anything. He centered his WHOLE SPEECH AROUND IT.

"He had that joke about the guy on Lost," said Apatow. "He said he ate everybody else. Let's be honest—Ricky Gervais just lost weight. Even now he's four pounds away from not being allowed to do a joke like that. Did he lose weight just to make fat jokes? You think that's how mean he is?"

Okay, trying to understand the Apatow Code, here. Fat guys—not okay to joke about, especially if you're under the arbitrary Apatow Limit for Fat Jokes. Unless, of course, you're Judd Apatow making a joke about how you're not fat enough to do fat jokes. Or something.

Apatow had no problem with a Gervais joke about Charlie Sheen.

But Apatow added, "(Jay) Leno did it the week before."

"I think he's an OK target," Apatow said of Sheen. "The people at CBS have said as long as he shows up on time, knows his lines, he can do whatever he wants."

Drug addicts and alcoholics – A-OK! Wonderful! Also, let's make fun of people with a long history of violence against women! It's totally funny!

All right, but to the serious stuff. Apatow wants Gervais to be FAIR TO MOVIES.

However, Apatow took exception to Gervais making a joke about The Tourist.

"(Gervais) says the characters were two-dimensional," said Apatow. "Then he says he hasn't seen The Tourist. So as a comedian, that's not fair, is it? To make jokes about a movie you haven't seen.

That's amazing. This from a person who routinely takes the piss out of those whose experiences he's never tried to understand or comprehend. Hey, you've never been a woman, or listened to a woman, but I'm sure you have plenty of grounds to write movies that reduce them down to two or three frustrating and limited stereotypes to serve your story. That's just good comedy! He goes on!

Apatow also came to the defense of Cher, Hugh Hefner, Tim Allen, Tom Cruise and Robert Downey, Jr.—others who were Gervais targets.

Okay, amendments to the Apatow Code: No making fun of men who profit from routinely objectifying the bodies of young women, men who profit from reinforcing the archaic stereotype that men are stupid cavemen who women must corral and tame, or men who promote an institutionally homophobic organization. Also: Hands-off Apatow-approved addicts. (Reminder: Charlie Sheen is AN OKAY TARGET.) I think Cher was probably an afterthought.

"Tim Allen did 200 episodes of Home Improvement. He was in three of the highest grossing movies of all time. And his latest just crossed the one billion mark. Whereas The Invention of Lying made $18 million dollars worldwide...Leave Tim Allen alone."

Yes, you just read that. Judd Apatow totally really said that, with a straight face and everything. Apatow's biggest problem with Gervais having viciously mocked celebrities in ways that entrench the marginalization of oppressed people (like fatties, and addicts, and victims of abuse) isn't that it's shitty; it's that he didn't have "the right" to do it because his last film didn't make enough money.

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, WITH HIS MEASLY $18 MILLION?

I'll be over here, lolsobbing and being stunned that the great social justice crusader Apatow draws the line at making fun of rich straight white guys.

I'd like to close on an observational quote by my dear friend Apolla: It's like Elvis saying to Liberace, "I think you overdid the rhinestones."