Meet the Candidates! Tronald Dump

Hi. I'm Tronald Dump, and I am running for President of the United States.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Who the heck is this gumball and why on earth would I vote for him? Good question! Let me tell you a little about myself.

I am, according to tens of minutes of research I did at Ancestry.com, the fifth cousin of billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump. But don't let the uncanny resemblance and our shared record of bankruptcy fool you! We are nothing alike. For one, I do not own a gold-plated toilet. For another, I believe our president is an American citizen.

Also, I have never been the star of a network reality series—although my cable access cooking show, "A Braising Grace with Tronald Dump," was very popular in the mid-nineties.

Most importantly, however, while Cousin Donnie (we have not met, but I am sure that is what he would want me to call him if we did) is a conservative, I am a liberal.

There are a lot of liberal causes that are important to me—net neutrality, habeas corpus, civil liberties—but perhaps none so close to my heart AND my brain as reproductive rights, which is why I feel it's so vital, especially now as a liberal presidential candidate, to get out there and lecture women on how stupid they are if they don't vote for me.


Listen, ladies, I don't know if you're aware or not, but the Republicans are really against abortion. Frankly, I'd be surprised if any of you gals could have missed that memo, but I know sometimes it helps to have an objective source tell you these things.

You know how they call themselves "pro-life"…? Well, that's a laugh! They're not pro-life at all. You've probably never thought of it this way before, but since Republicans don't support universal healthcare and do support wars, they're more like PRO-DEATH. And here's another protip for ya, sisters: Being against abortion is pretty hostile to your quality of life, if you don't want to have a baby.

So here's the big 411: If a Republican president gets elected, he—or SHE (feminism)—is going to replace all the decrepit Supreme Court justices with rightwingers who hate abortions and then they're going to overturn Roe v. Wade and then you're gonna be shit outta luck!

I know what you're thinking: What have you Democrats done for us lately? Well, I'LL TELL YOU. We've nominated two women (not too shabby) to the Supreme Court to stand on the line and guard Roe for the rest of you lot.

Now, I've skimmed (tl;dr) some of your complaints about how the Democrats are using abortion rights as a bargaining chip with the Republicans, and about how the Democratic executive and Democratic Senate majority aren't doing bupkis to create a counter-narrative to the national onslaught of anti-abortion bills in state legislatures, and about how the Democrats throw women's rights under the bus every time it's politically expedient, and about how the current Democratic president uses language that plays to rightwing frames on abortion rights, and all the rest of that gobbledygook, and, frankly, I don't find your arguments very compelling.

Partly that's because I didn't really bother reading them (hysterical), but mostly it's because I'm mad that you're going to ruin everything for the rest of us with your principles (wtf).

I need to get elected to protect your rights, ladies, and if that means I have to occasionally undermine your rights to do it, that's just how the game is played. You just don't understand politics, is all. It's very sophisticated stuff.

So just settle down and vote for me, Tronald Dump, Democratic candidate for president of the USA.

We all know you've got nowhere else to go, anyway—and I'm sure we can all agree like ADULTS that merely failing to protect your rights is in no way as terrible as actively attacking them.

You can read more of my detailed policy proposals to not make things worse unless I have to under "Dump on Women" at my campaign website: www.geocities.fart/dump2012.

Tronald Dump has been a fauxgressive concern troll since he first got a boner blaming Nader voters for the 2000 election that was decided by the Supreme Court. He is not related to Donald Trump.