Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum (who, in my mind, is always called Channing Tatum O'Neal, and has a difficult relationship—and upcoming reality series!—with his father Channing Ryan O'Neal, star of the most boring movie of all time, Channing Barry Lyndon) are getting married. "I vow to live within the warmth of your heart," says Rachel McAdams. "I promise to never forget that this is a once-in-a-lifetime love," says Channing Tatum O'Neal, and they are pronounced "man and wife" right before they are chased out of the museum in which they're having their guerrilla wedding, thus establishing that these unique, hip, straight white kids are QUIRKY REBELS but definitely not feminists. Eww.
"Life's all about moments of impact," says Channing Tatum O'Neal in voiceover, over scenes of the couple having the totally-not-trite impactful moments of all quirky rebels, like kissing and booping each other's noses (or something) and skinny-dipping and asking to move in together in spelled-out blueberries on a plate of pancakes. (Sure.)
And their car is hit (IMPACTED! IN A MOMENT OF IMPACT! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? THIS IS DEEP STUFF!) from behind while they are making out, and they both survive, but Rachel McAdams has lost her memory and doesn't remember Channing Tatum O'Neal at all—nor any of the quirky impactful moments on which their relationship was built.
It is at this time that we are informed this will be a 2012 Valentine's Day movie. Very good. Absolutely. ROMANCE! Between this and the GOP field, I'm really starting to hope John Cusack was right about that whole 2012 doomsday prophecy.
"She doesn't remember me!" bellows Channing Tatum O'Neal, over the briefest scene of him trying to touch her and her pulling away, which is the scene that's supposed to stop you from completing your screenplay that uses amnesia as a prop to do a hackneyed philosophical inquiry on the nature of love and personal evolution. The doctor assures Channing Tatum O'Neal that Rachel McAdams' memory "will improve with time." Neat. It's fun to pretend in movies how doctors have certainty about things about which there is no certainty. SCIENCE!
Channing Tatum O'Neal says, "Come home with me. We'll figure this out together." Rachel McAdams tells him, "I don't know you," accompanied by an expression that suggests she doesn't want to, either. Even though not-remembering Channing Tatum O'Neal is pretty obviously a good idea, Rachel McAdams is next seen kneeling on a dining room table surrounded by a jumble of pictures. "From triage to collage: Area amnesiac tries to rebuild her life with family photos."—AP.
"I need to make my wife fall in love with me again," voiceovers Channing Tatum O'Neal, which the romantic background song probably sung by Jewel assures me is romantic and definitely NOT creepy.
Montage. "I'll always love you," voiceovers C-Tates. "But the fact is, you're just meeting me, and I'm just a stranger." He gazes down at his shoes dolefully. I see we've come to the "Sad Sack" portion of That Dude I Pity-Fucked in College's World-Famous 10-Step Seduction Technique. More montagery with stupid voiceovery. Text onscreen asks: "Can a once in a lifetime love find a second chance?" I have a better question: "Who the fuck cares?"
Over scenes of scenes of kissing, dudely rival punching, rainstorms, and other crap, Channing Tatum O'Neal says some barfy shit about a vow to love despite challenges that I can't be arsed to transcribe.
THE END!
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