Film Corner!

[Trigger warning for self-harm.]

Clearly, I have been remiss, Shakers. The Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 trailer has been out for almost two weeks, and I have failed to feature this masterpiece of magnificent filmmaking at Film Corner! until now. I apologize for this grave oversight.

When last we left our inexplicably important heroine Bella, a brooding white teenage girl played by Rod Stewart, she had made her choice between Edward Sparklecorpse and Jacob Dogbreath. SPOILER ALERT! She chose Edward Sparklecorpse, because he was totes going to kill himself if she didn't choose him, and no doy all healthy relationships start with emotional blackmail and threatened self-harm.

Also! Because it's very obvious that a 200-year-old man would have tons in common with a teenage girl, and because a 200-year-old man would definitely be certain that a teenage girl who had a crush on him should give up everything, including her very mortality, to be with him, and that she absolutely has FOR SURE the perspective and life experience to make that sort of permanent and irreversible decision, Edward Sparklecorpse has agreed to change Bella Broodypouts into a vampire, too—but only if she marries him.

I know what you're thinking, but, listen, ultimatums are just the way this undead cat rolls. It's ROMANTIC. Especially when you remember that this is all a super-creepy abstinence metaphor.

Which brings us to the next installment in our saga:


A lady in a dress and high heels walks through a stone corridor, holding a silver tray on which rests an envelope. She gives it to Tony Blair. He opens it and smiles in a way that suggests he has just received news that his fantasy baseball team is totally winning this week and absolutely CRUSHING that dude in accounting who thinks he's so smart. Cut to Bella Broodypouts' dad, sitting at his kitchen table, looking miserable while looking at whatever was in the same envelope he got. Cut to Bella Broodypouts' mom at home in her tropical paradise of absentee motherhood, looking happy about whatever was in that envelope.

Cut to Jacob Dogbreath storming out of his house into the rain. "Jake!" yells his dad (?) as Jacob Dogbreath tosses the envelope onto the ground, takes off his shirt, and runs, which is his magical turn-into-a-CGI-dog maneuver. He growls angrily. His dad (?) picks up the envelope and we are FINALLY made privy to its mysterious contents. OMG IT'S A WEDDING INVITATION!

What—did you think it was going to be an invite to the opening of James Franco's Museum of Non-Visible Art or something? You're so weird.

Swelling dramatic music. Montage of weddingy scenes: A floral-drenched arbor. A veil. An eager 200-year-old undead man trapped in an emo prince body standing at the altar waiting for his teenage bride. (Seriously: Gross.) More montagery. Edward Sparklecorpse says, in voiceover, "No measure of time with you would be long enough." How about eternity? Is eternity long enough? Good lord. I love Iain to pieces, but the thought of spending, like, thousands of years together makes me want to throw up. Twilight: Barfing Dawn. That would be the name of our movie.

"But we'll start with forever," Edward Sparklecorpse says. Really? Is that supposed to be romantic? Maybe when I was 17 and might as well have had teddy bear stuffing and candy hearts where my emotional center should be, I would have thought that was romantic. But now I am 37, and I know that promising forever is kind of facile and sad and indicative of not understanding how difficult even the best relationships really are. I would expect a 200-year-old man to know that he is making a terrible and stupid promise!

They do it. It's so intense he breaks the wall, or something. Jacob Dogbreath looks mad. There is fighting between Edward Sparklecorpse and someone else. Could be Dogbreath. I can't really tell. Who cares.

Uh-oh! Bella Broodypouts-Sparklecorpse is looking at her belly in the mirror. You know what that means! "That's impossible," she whispers. She and Edward Sparklecorpse look very surprised! And kind of scared! Whooooooooooops! I'm sure it'll be fine.

ROMANCE!