This is so the worst thing you're going to read all day.

[Trigger warning for fat hatred and body policing.]

Salon's Susannah Gora asks the question humankind has been asking since time immemorial: "Are comedians funnier when they're fat?"

HA HA GREAT QUESTION. Well done, Ms. Cool Question!

In case you were wondering if the "comedians" in question are actually fat white straight male comedians, the answer is yes. Yes, of course, they are actually fat white straight male comedians. No one is suggesting that Jerry Seinfeld would be funnier if he were to get fat, ha ha, heavens no. It's just that if a comedian starts out fat, part of what we're laughing at, according to some critic named Glenn Kenny, a highly-credentialed expert on fat and comedy I'm sure, is their gluttony! And is someone like John Goodman really funny without his gluttony? NOPE!

You know an article is a good one when Tom Arnold is interviewed and pontificates about the health of other people whose bodies are not his, but it's EXTRA GOOD when he shares delightful anecdotes like how a director wanted him to remain fat for a role as Maggie Gyllenhaal's love interest because "it would add more pathos if I did not lose weight, and would make people feel more sorry for [Gyllenhaal's character]."

So true. There's nothing more pitiable than someone who loves a fat person.

Oh, except fat people. Obviously.