And on the Eighth Day, God Created CGI

[Trigger warning for anti-Semitism.]

With remakes of every movie made during the 1980s in the can, the film industry is turning its eyes toward some new old source material: The Old Testament. So many Bible movies coming your way!

Are Moses, Noah and Judah Maccabee the next Bella, Batman and Harry Potter?

With half a dozen film projects derived from classic Bible stories in development, it would seem that Hollywood has (amen!) found God. Not since the 1950s, when Paramount and Cecil B. de Mille trotted out a handful of Old Testament tales, has there been so much Good Book on the books. Paramount and New Regency are building the big-budget Noah with Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky; Relativity has Goliath in the works with director Scott Derrickson; Warner Bros. has its controversial Judah Maccabee/Hannukkah movie with Mel Gibson producing (that film is competing with another Maccabee project); Steven Spielberg is considering directing Gods and Kings, a Moses story; and an adaptation of John Milton's Paradise Lost starring Bradley Cooper as Lucifer is aiming for a January shoot. It's a veritable flood.

A veritable flood, ha ha. I see what you did there!

Anyway! So many Bible stories made by so many dudes! And they obviously all sound great. Bradley Cooper as Lucifer—sure. Bruce Almighty by Darren Aronofsky—perfect. A Maccabee movie produced by Mel Gibson. *sound of record scratching* I'm sorry—WHAT?! Mel Gibson, who drunkenly slurred, "Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," after being pulled over for a DUI and then asking the Jewish community to help heal his anti-Semitism, is making a film about the origins of Hanukkah? Yep, totally appropriate. I cannot wait to not see it!

One of my favorite things about Old Testament tales being turned into movies, aside from when they're being made by anti-Semites, of course, is how they provide such a neat justification for marginalizing women. Also: The great opportunities for racism, both within the storytelling and in casting choices. Omigosh, I'm so excited about all these movies that will really give filmmakers a chance to be totally lazy and unoriginal while maximizing profits!

"What are those things that have huge pre-awareness that are huge spectacles that you can exploit our contemporary filmmaking abilities to do even bigger?" says Goliath producer Wyck Godfrey, who saw comic-book, video-game and fairy-tale cycles running their course. "We've spent our entire lives hearing sports analogies of David versus Goliath. Well, before every David and Goliath story there was David and Goliath. That's how I sold it."

Genius. Someone give that man an Oscar for Best Achievement in Being a Total Genius.

Speaking of good ideas, here's one I would like to suggest to Mr. Dreamworks T. Paramount of Hollywood: Jonah, directed by Judd Apatow and starring Jonah Hill. With Seth Rogan as the voice of The Whale.

Thank you, I know. One star on the Walk of Fame, please!