Herman Cain's Campaign is a Real Thing in the Real World

Herman Cain is making stuff on the interwebs. America, I give you the current Republican front-runner:



[Transcript Follows]

There's an opening sequence that suggests the projectionist is loading the YouTube video. A cowboy on a horse rides towards the camera to generic twangy music. On screen, we see that “THERE WAS A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN A MAN WAS A MAN... “ Then the video cuts to the sheriff taking some government-paid leave.

“AND A HORSE WAS A HORSE...” [Go to hell, postmodernist eurotrash!]

Then a deputy/government employee chugs whiskey. “AND A MAN ON A HORSE WAS JUST A MAN ON A HORSE...” We see that the cowboy is carrying yellow flowers, so that's probably a BFD. [This is just like Blazing Saddles, only if it had been directed by Andrew Breibart.]

A few taxpayers stroll by, disgusted by the lazy government workers.

“UNLESS HE CARRIED EXTRANEOUS COMMA BIG FONT FOR EMPHASIS YELLOW FLOWERS” [But not roses. And certainly not bread.]

Women scurry away from the cowboy, as he comments on their chicken. I think this is supposed to be sexy. Presumably there's some kind of joke here? I don't hang out in sports bars, so I don't really get the reference.

“Cock-a-doodle-do, Ma'am”

[Wow, this dude harasses women, but he's also a gentleman and holy non-sequitur what the hell is going on, we're forty-five seconds into this garbage already.]

“CTV [Isn't that Canadian?] PRESENTS: HE CARRIED YELLOW FLOWERS”

Cowboy ass shot.
Cowboy using rope shot.
Cowboy wearing moon boots while not really bow-legged shot.

The cowboy knocks on the door, because apparently having women scurry away from you is code for “Yes, please come into my cabin.”

The drunken sheriff mocks the man's gay looking flowers. Also, they are YELLOW flowers.

'Hey look at me, the Montana Territory is paying me to get pissed on my 3-hour lunch break!'

Daaaamn! One of the men accuses our hero of being “as yellow as those flowers there.”

Witty rejoinder: “Why does it always have to be about color, what are you guys, liberals?” [Did you notice one of the guys was black? Did you?!? He's such a reverse racist.]

The reverse-racist responds that he's a “card carrying” liberal [Hey, remember Dukakis?], and spits on our hero's moonboot.

A fight breaks out, and the opening chords of a Monkees song plays in the background for some reason.

In perhaps the video's most Brechtian moment, a Hollywood director in baggy pants yells cut, and everything stops.

A conventionally attractive young woman offers the cowboy a watermelon-mango margarita, because all actors are homos who sip fruity drinks like little girls. Because she's a lady, the dude gives her shit about wanting a straw. Then he threatens to fire her.

A woman praises the man and does his girly makeup, but he cuts the dumb bitch down to size.

As it turns out, the actor is Nick Searcy. [You know, the guy who played Tom Hanks's friend in Cast Away? No, not the volleyball.]

Nick Searcy levels with us. He's not a tough guy because he says catch phrases like “hope” and “change.” [Would those be catch words?] He also doesn't have a fancy teleprompter like those rich-ass community organizers, just fyi.

Then, over 140 seconds into this train wreck, Nick Searcy tells us about Herman Cain. He's a real thing in the real world. He urges us to “get real” and vote for Cain, as dudes beat each other up in the background.

Herman Cain and Nick Searcy are sexy, apparently. OMG IS THIS CAMPAIGN VIDEO HITTING ON ME?

Cowboy Searcy urges the public not to get distracted by trivial things this election season, all while joking with his Hollywood director. Then he gets so distracted while threatening a liberal that he forgets his line.

And then Herman Cain smirks at us for some reason. [Probably because he knows you aren't getting the last three-and-a-half minutes of your life back.]

As Cain fades out, Cowboy Searcy hits on a lady by yelling “nice chicken, honey!” Then he gives us a wink and a thumbs up as he goes into the cabin, presumably to have some sort of freaky Dadaist sex.

THE END