Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from Who Didn't Fart?: The Hunt for Fred Thompson aka the Republican Primary...

New Iowa frontrunner (whut) Ron Paul (!) is surging thanks in part to his foresight in having a functional campaign in place. Good job on knowing how to be a candidate, sir! That is only HALF the sarcasm it normally would be, because it is actually true that most of the other candidates haven't bothered to consider the importance of building a serious campaign infrastructure staffed by coordinated employees and volunteers. Whooooooooooooops!

Former frontrunner (oopsy) Newt Gingrich continues to implode. (Ha ha omg you are making Ron Paul look like a centrist!) I'm sure there are people who get electionboners for candidates who dabble in moderation-torching bellicosity like threatening to send US marshals to arrest "activist judges" and promising to "ignore Supreme Court decisions that conflicted with his powers as commander in chief [and] press for impeaching judges or even abolishing certain courts if he disagreed with their rulings," but I am pretty sure they are usually the same people who consider cheating on your wives, plural, a grave affront to the Baby Jesus, so.

Former former frontrunner Mitt Romney is probably spending a lot of time thinking about the last election, when the super boring and resoundingly unlikable John McCain just hung the fuck in there until he eventually got the nomination by default. Good luck, Willard! I have every faith that you are at once totally mediocre and breathtakingly awful enough to win this staring contest with the worst people in the country! If there's one thing that Republican primary voters can't do, it's stop meddling in other people's reproductive and marriage rights, but if there's A SECOND THING that Republican primary voters can't do, it's not blink in the radiant glow of a straight white patriarch who, at the end of the day, seems pretty likely to let them continue to stockpile automatic weapons.

Michele Bachmann doesn't believe in the Kinsey Report. Of course she doesn't. The Kinsey Report is of science, and science is of the devil, no doy. If god had wanted Michele Bachmann to believe that hokum, he would have transcribed it to the lesser-known thirteenth disciple, St. Chad of Fabulous. But he didn't! And that's why gays are a myth and science is stupid. The end.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet. Also: He got totes pwned by a 14-year-old girl.

Jon Huntsman is putting all his eggs in New Hampshire. He might come in second! "Even if he comes in second, that's a win," says Bob Bestani, a former congressional candidate. In a tumultuous primary contest so full of knuckleheads and dildobrains that even Donald Trump and Herman Cain have been the leading contenders at one time, I'm not sure even first is a win, no less second.

The Associated Press does not mince words about the pointless vanity candidacy of Rick Santorum: "In a presidential campaign marked by sharp rises and falls, Republican Rick Santorum has experienced neither." Ouch. No one cares about you, Rick Santorum! Go home and go to bed!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.