Primarily Awful

WOWEE WOW! Are you all still hungover from celebrating Newt Gingrich's big win in South Carolina this weekend?! What an upset! He really turned things around with that fiery debate performance last week, during which he attracted the support of the Moral Values brigade by getting indignant at being questioned about his lack of moral values. COOL! So cool, you Republican voters!

It's really neat how Newt Gingrich first won the hearts of the nation's conservatives by attacking President Bill Clinton over an affair, and now he wins their hearts again by acting like such attacks are vile & outrageous! Wowwwwww!


I also love how the professional lobbyist and highly-compensated corporate shill with multiple lines of credit at Tiffany's has managed to convince poor working people that he's definitely the candidate everyone wants to have two fingers of 50-Year Chivas Regal Royal Salute with.

"I just really think Newt cares about the common man. It's like he gets me, you know? I feel like he wants to open his marriage...for ME!"—Some South Carolina primary voter, probably.

If Newt's win teaches us anything, besides how suddenly close we are to having a president who shares his name with an amphibian, it's that the most important attribute for any GOP candidate is still abject shamelessness.

Also: Endorsements from Chuck Norris help for sure!

Mitt Romney, who did not expect this egregious insult on his way to losing to President Obama, is undoubtedly very upset today, because he can't tell if he lost mostly because Newt Gingrich is a race-baiting fuckhead who's still using the Southern Strategy to winning effect, or because he's a Mormon. He's definitely sure it has something to do with Republican primary voters being bigots, but obviously it's important to know which kind, so he can decide whether to amp up the race-baiting or convert to Southern Bapmethodluthercostalism.

In other news, Romney has decided to copy Newt Gingrich's well-known strategy of expressing contempt for democracy by telling protestors at a rally to "take a hike."

At one point during his outdoor rally at a building supply company, Romney was interrupted by protesters chanting, "We are the people." He quickly dismissed them.

"No, actually, these are the people," Romney shouted back. "These are the people; you're the interrupters. We believe in the Constitution. We believe in the right to speech. And you believe in interrupting. Take a hike."

"I believe in free speech so SHUT UP!" Ha ha, smooth move, Ex-Lax.

So, for those of you keeping score: Corporations are people, but dissenters aren't. And corporate donations are speech, but interrupting isn't. All righty then.

Something something Ron Paul. Go to hell, Ron Paul.

Speaking of hell! [Content Note: Homophobia.] Rick Santorum sure is BFFs with some world-class homophobes! Check out this full-tilt fuckneck, who says that homosexuality is the "paramount of sins" (which must be why Jesus talked about it ALL THE NEVER) and is "something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit." LOL!

True Fact: Hailstorms are God vomiting after watching gay porn. I bet you thought it was angels pooping, but you're wrong.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.