Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from Dissemblin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, aka the garbage nightmare known as the Republican Primary.

Enthusiasm void, ATM, and current frontrunner Mitt Romney has opened a 21 point lead in South Carolina, site of the next primary. "Well, whatever, it's a little late to find someone who doesn't make us throw up in our mouths now," said a majority of Republican primary voters, followed by a great heaving sigh of disappointment.


Well, there's always joke candidate (but not in the same way that all the other candidates are joke candidates) Stephen Colbert!

Evangelicals are, of course, all about Rick Santorum, who was voted the Official Candidate of an Arbitrary Assortment of Social Conservatives this weekend: "The decision was made today after three rounds of balloting at a meeting of more than 150 social conservative leaders and political activists held over the last two days in Brenham, Texas. Though the meeting was widely seen as an effort to settle on a candidate to stop Mitt Romney, [Family Research Council President Tony Perkins] said it was 'not a bash Romney weekend' and 'not a lot of time' was spent discussing him. Jon Huntsman's campaign was the only campaign not to participate in the meeting."

Ha ha way to go, Jon Huntsman! Speaking of Jon Huntsman and how he has no chance of winning, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh wait! There is BIG JON HUNTSMAN NEWS! He has dropped out! And he's now expected to endorse Romney, who just last week he was calling "completely unelectable." Perfect. Thank you for reminding us that you are, in fact, a politician, sir. Good luck in the future. Don't ever change. Stay sweet. LYLAS. My z key will totally miss you.

This is my favorite headline of the day about Newt Gingrich: Gingrich faces tough questions at SC campaign event with black church. Like, one imagines, "What are you doing here?" and "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and "Are you aware, sir, that you are a huuuuuuuge racist?" The one thing you can definitely say about Newt Gingrich, though, is that he is a uniter and not a divider, because white people hate him, too.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something liberty schmiberty.


Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! In fact, great news for all you Perry fans out there: "Perry vows to fight on, regardless of result in South Carolina primary." Of course he does. Because he's a genius.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.