Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from Mission Inconceivable: Fart Protocol aka the Republican Primary...

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh token lady oh boy oh boy! The Iowa Caucuses are today and you know what that means! People will win! People will lose! And people will drop out! Which will, if nothing else, make these posts shorter! In the meantime...

Rick Santorum is surging! (Ew.) A senior Santorum adviser (What a great job! "I advise you to keep being a cavernous void of charisma and decency! Ten thousand dollars, please!") tells CNN "the campaign raised more money in the last week than they raised on-line the past six months, adding that fundraising is between 300% and 400% higher on a daily basis than it was just ten days ago." That sounds very impressive until you find out that fundraising averaged one dollar and three Wendy's vouchers monthly until ten days ago.

Anyway! I bet all this surging (ew) has to do with Rick Santorum's sweater vests. (Great reporting, New York Times! Keep it up!)

Rick Perry, who is still definitely in the race and has not dropped out yet, is making a keen strategic play to lose by attacking not-frontrunner Rick Santorum. "This guy has proven that he can't win races when it matters against a liberal Democrat." Ha ha OH SNAP! Pointing out the glaringly obvious fact that Rick Santorum is unelectable! DAYUM! Who is Rick Perry's chief strategist—Machiavelli?!

P.S. Santorum did not run against and lose to a liberal Democrat. He ran against and lost to Bob Casey, who is an anti-choice Democrat.

P.P.S. If Santorum won the Republican Primary (ha ha I KNOW!), he would still not be running against a liberal Democrat.

P.P.P.S. If only!

Ron Paul, who apparently has a secret plan to actually win, is borrowing from the Perry Playbook (great idea!) and going after Rick Santorum by saying he is "very liberal." Yep. Good call, Ron Paul. You continue to impress me with your astute observations like "women are filthy whores," "black people are gross," and "Rick Santorum is very liberal." Go to hell, Ron Paul.

Jon Huntsman said this week zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Michele Bachmann has promised to "surprise a lot of people tonight." By winning, I think she means? Ha ha whatever. Who cares. Bachmann also bragged about having "more than 200 pastors endorsing her campaign." Two hundred pastors agree! Sure. But what do 30 Helens think?

Speaking of people who think they're going to win today (but actually have a chance), Mitt Romney says he's going to win! I think Mitt Romney has been reading The Secret, ya'll. Be the win, Willard!

Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, does not think he's going to win. Awwwwwww. Someone give Newt a copy of The Little Rightwing Extremist Ideologue Who Could. In other news, Newt Gingrich thinks Ron Paul is a stupid fuck. (I'm paraphrasing.) Well, at least we agree on SOMETHING, Newt Gingrich!

Good luck, Iowa! I hope you vote to throw all these candidates in the garbage.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.