Primarily Horrendo

Did you hear the big news? Some dude says Rick Santorum really won Iowa, and it was a typo that inadvertently gave it to Mitt Romney! Whooooooooooops! "A spokeswoman with the Iowa Republican Party said [Edward True, who is a Ron Paul supporter] is not a precinct captain and he's not a county chairperson so he has no business talking about election results." Ha ha uh-oh. Congratulations, Mr. Santorum!

Just kidding. This is all very scandalous, I'm sure. It will definitely be a serious pebble in the road as Mitt Romney continues to drive his 18-wheeler Mack straight to his concession speech after losing to President Obama.

But! In the meantime! Rick Santorum makes the very compelling case that "we always need a Jesus candidate." Do you think he has someone specific in mind? I bet he has someone specific in mind. "We need someone who believes in something more than themselves and not just the economy. When we say, 'God bless America,' do we mean it or do we just say it?" Uh ha ha did a candidate for the presidency just say that emotionally investing in a rote aphorism of inappropriately sectarian ego-nationalism is more important than the economy while the real unemployment rate is almost 16%? COOL CANDIDATE! He would make an excellent president of the United States of Praying Is Easier Than Math!

In other Santorum news, he now claims he never said "I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them other people's money," but instead that he said "bluh people." Defending himself on Bill O'Reilly's show (obviously), Santorum explained: "I don't use the term 'black' very often. I use the term 'African American' more than I use 'black.' And I as someone who did more work for historically black colleges, I used to—every year I used to bring all the historically black colleges into Washington, D.C. to try to help them." He then quickly distracted everyone with jazz hands.


Did the future president of the United States of Praying Is Easier Than Math just argue that he rarely uses the word "black" and then use the word "black" twice in quick succession? Math really IS hard!

Y'all, I'm not sure if we should elect Rick Santorum president. What will all the historically black colleges (ALL OF THEM!) do without his help? I worry for all the historically black colleges without the paternalistic condescension of Rick Santorum to help them, you guys. Let's not elect him so he can keep on helping them, okay?

*cough*fuckyouricksantorumyouracistfucko*cough*

Jon Huntsman got a big endorsement from the Boston Globe, which zzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. So, yeah, Jon Huntsman got zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, did you know that Ron Paul is anti-choice? It's true! And yet some dudes who claim to be progressives nonetheless think he's awesome! Whooooooooooops you are misogynists!

Newt Gingrich is just letting loose (video starts playing automatically at link) on Mitt Romney now, and it is very funny! "I think as people look at his record and then imagine him debating Obama, Obama is going to laugh at him." LOL! Yes! That is very true! Every time I picture Mitt Romney debating President Obama, I picture Mitt Romney saying something all Mitt Romneyish, and President Obama making this face:


—and I laugh and laugh and laugh until the tears roll down my cheeks. And then I remember how hard I laughed and laughed and laughed until the tears rolled down my cheeks in 2000, when Al Gore hilariously snorted with derision at George W. Bush during their debates, every time George W. Bush said something unfathomably stupid, and how, the next day, all the headlines were about how terribly mean that snotty cyborg Al Gore was to the nice man.

Oh maude. Just laugh at him, anyway, Mr. President.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.