Rick Perry is NOT in the race! He has definitely dropped out! (Or will, in like an hour.) RIP my favorite joke. Now please cue Bad Day while I honor Rick Perry's amazing journey as a stellar candidate with a tasteful retrospective highlighting the best moments of his candidacy:
Amen. My condolences to Texas.
In other BIG NEWS that totally doesn't matter, Rick Santorum probably really won the Iowa Caucus. I'm sure Rick Santorum will, when not saying weird shit about his family life, whine pitiably about how being declared the winner too late hurt his election chances, but, the truth is, he'll reap more benefit from headlining reports two days before the South Carolina primary that he actually won in Iowa than the dwindling momentum from winning would be helping him right now. (That sentence definitely makes sense.)
Well, the retroactive win news would have given him a much-needed bump, if Rick Perry hadn't stolen his media thunder by dropping out today. Ha ha whoooooooooops!
It's all good news for Mitt Romney!
One piece of bad news for Romney (not really; he is definitely going to win without breaking a sweat) is that Newt Gingrich is gaining on him in the polls in South Carolina! Oh noes! Luckily, Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich's most recent ex-wife, is fixing to take care of that for Willard. Marianne has always said she could derail her former garbage monster of a spouse with one interview, and now it looks like she's ready to rock and roll! All right then. Go get 'm, girl!
In other Newt News, Gingrich continues to pretend he doesn't understand why calling President Obama the "food stamp president" is racist, and also why it's mendacious bullshit to say that the record numbers of USians using food stamps is exclusively or even primarily because of Barack Obama's policies. Gingrich is not that stupid. He knows he's being a lying, race-baiting dirtbag. But for shits and farts, let's pretend he doesn't: Then he's too stupid to be president. The end.
And here's one more tidbit for ya before we depart for Paulier shores: Gingrich, like the rest of his ideological compatriots, loves violent imagery. He's gonna knock out the president. But it's just a METAPHOR—what are you, SENSITIVE or something?! Just scroll back up and have a gander at Rick Perry's Big Zany Funtime Photo-Op with a Gun! That'll cheer up your dour, humorless, feminazi ass!
Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.
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