Primarily Terrible

I think she's a Ron Paul supporter.
OMG y'all—are you SO EXCITED about the Florida Primary today?! I AM SO EXCITED! I can barely contain my barf!

Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are still running, but let's not even pretend that either of them has a chance of winning this primary, the Republican nomination, or Bumblefuck, Indiana's 61st Annual Chili Cook-Off. Neither Ron Paul's isolationist antiwar rhetoric nor Rick Santorum's extremist pro-rapist rhetoric have any appeal to the Republican Establishment nor to Republican primary voters, so their radical positions aren't pushing the leading candidates further left or right in their positions.

There are candidates who won't win who can still serve a purpose: Howard Dean's humanist antiwar rhetoric definitely pushed the other 2004 Democratic candidates further left on the war, because he proved there was a well of support for an antiwar position among Democratic primary voters. But neither Ron Paul nor Rick Santorum are serving this purpose. They're just making noise.

And the more noise they make, as background din to the garbage yammering of Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, the more dissatisfied Republican voters get. Which is just fine by me.

Know what fits perfectly into a cavernous void of conservative enthusiasm? The second term of President Barack Obama.

Anyway! Mitt Romney is totes going to win today. Double-digit lead, etc. And even if by some unexpected twist of fart, he doesn't win today, he's still going to win the nomination. I am so sure of that I would bet fully ONE BILLION DOLLARS of Mitt Romney's personal fortune on it!

True Fact: Mitt Romney is not currently worth one billion dollars. But he will be, once his upcoming book reaches every bestseller list after the Conservative Book Club buys EVERY COPY.


In other OMG This Guy Is Your Frontrunner LOL News, Mitt Romney wishes he could claim he's Hispanic, because it would help him with Latin@ voters in Florida. Newt Gingrich says Mitt Romney hates old Jews, which is strangely not a card he played in South Carolina. Huh! He also says that Romney's campaign is "pathetic," but voters can't hear him over the seven million dollars in ads Romney has purchased in Florida.

And Mitt Romney may be pathetic (he is!), but he is also seen as "more presidential" and "more sincere" than Newt Gingrich. Which is a very low bar! But Mitt Romney has been vaulting over cracks in the sidewalk his whole life! His life of extreme privilege has been preparing him for this moment, this challenge of looking more presidential and more sincere than a disgraced congressman and world-class liar, since he was a mere twinkle in his father's balls! The trajectory of Mitt Romney's life SINCE THE MOMENT OF HIS CONCEPTION has been to arrive at this precise moment in history, where sheerly by virtue of being LESS OF A FUCKHEAD THAN NEWT GINGRICH, he can become a champion, a superstar, a future member of the Losing to Barack Obama Club!

John McCain is not only the president—he is also a member!


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[Photo via.]