Primarily Awful

On a scale of 1 to ONE MILLION, how excited are you about today's primaries in Michigan and Arizona? A million?! That's what I thought!

This is a BIG DAY for Mitt Romney, who may well lose in his home state of Michigan where his father was once governor. The general consensus among boring old political pundits is that if he can't win Michigan, he should go home and TAKE A NAP!

But the general consensus in my brainpan is that he should keep running FOREVER no matter what! Even if he has to form a third party called the Mittocrats. In fact, he should do that anyway! One man, one party, one platform plank: WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET ELECTED! The Mittocrats.


In related news, as I've mentioned previously, liberals are planning to make hay with Michigan's open primary by showing up to vote for Rick Santorum. It's a calculated strategy to try to help Santorum win the primary, because he's viewed as less of a general election threat to President Obama. HA HA I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, BECAUSE OTHERWISE PRESIDENT SANTORUM!

Whooooooooooooooooops!

Santorum is getting in on the liberals' action by running a robocall in Michigan urging Democrats to get out and vote for him to stop Romney, and only reveals at the last moment, i.e. after most people have hung up, that it's paid for by the Santorum campaign:

By voting for Rick Santorum—that's right: Michigan Democrats can vote in the Republican Primary on Tuesday! Why is it so important? Romney supported the bailouts for his Wall Street billionaire buddies, but opposed the auto bailouts. That was a slap in the face to every Michigan worker, and we're not gonna let Romney get away with it. On Tuesday, join Democrats who are going to send a loud message to Massachusetts Mitt Romney by voting for Rick Santorum for President. This call is supported by hardworking Democratic men and women, and paid for by Rick Santorum for President.

HA HA HA HA HA! Oh boy. What a very fun and super cool election this is! BARF BAGS FOR EVERYONE!

In other Santorum news, Rick Santorum remains very smart and totally honest.

"Just the facts, man."—Rick Santorum.

Something something Ron Paul. I can't even believe I'm still obliged to mention this guy. Wev. I expect my payment in solid gold Ronpaulbuxxx, sirs.

Newt Gingrich is a human person who is running for president. At least, that's the rumor. He's also, in case you didn't know, a foreign policy genius:

"We're not going to fix Afghanistan," the former House speaker said [at a Republican luncheon in Nashville on Monday]. "It's not possible."

His prescription: "What you have to do is say, 'You know, you're going to have to figure out how to live your own miserable life… Because you clearly don't want to learn from me how to be unmiserable.'"

LOL FOREVER. You know what the problem with Afghanistan is...? Not enough bootstraps.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.