Primarily Horrendo

[Thanks to Shaker Lysis for the inspiration.]
If there's one thing I hope in this world, it's that everyone is maintaining MAXIMUM ENTHUSIASM for the Republican Primary! G-O-P! G-O-P! Chant it with me, everyone! Give me a G! Give me an O! Give me a P! What's that spell?! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOPS FOR AMERICA!

Today's Big News is MONEY. I'm talking about cash money—dollar bills, y'all! (HA HA that song should definitely be the theme song of the Republican Party! Because it's about how money corrupts! That song is VERY MISUSED in LOTS OF COMMERCIALS!) Thanks to the awesome Supreme Court and their awesome decision in the awesome case of Citizens United, there is SO MUCH MONEY in this election! Which is GREAT, because if there's one thing I've always said is missing from the US Democracy, it's that the presidency should go to the highest bidder. It's only fair. FREE SPEECH!

Look at all this FREE SPEECH!

New York Times—GOP Campaigns Grow More Dependent on 'Super PAC' Aid: "Weeks of intense campaigning in the early nominating states have left the leading Republican presidential candidates increasingly dependent on millions of dollars spent on their behalf by outside 'super PACs,' reports filed with the Federal Election Commission on Monday showed. ... The spending reports revealed the breadth and power of super PACs as the campaign hits a critical and perhaps decisive period, with outside groups poised to pick up a growing share of political spending during the costly primary battle that lies ahead."

Politico—Pro-Rick Santorum PAC Picks Up Another Mega-Donor: "The super PAC supporting Rick Santorum's presidential campaign pulled in $2.1 million in January—half of which came from a relatively low-profile Louisiana energy executive, according to a report filed Monday evening with the Federal Election Commission. The Red, White and Blue Fund super PAC spent $1.4 million boosting Santorum's cash-strapped campaign last month, and was credited with helping him win the Iowa caucuses."

Forbes—Billionaire Sheldon Adelson Says He Might Give $100M To Newt Gingrich Or Other Republican:

Sheldon Adelson plays as stubbornly in politics as he does in business. So the criticisms that he's trying to personally buy the presidential election for Newt Gingrich are met with a roll of the eyes. "Those people are either jealous or professional critics," Adelson tells me during his first interview since he and his wife began funneling $11 million, with another $10 million injection widely expected, into the former speaker's super PAC, Winning Our Future. "They like to trash other people. It's unfair that I've been treated unfair—but it doesn't stop me. I might give $10 million or $100 million to Gingrich."

Adelson, the 78-year-old CEO of casino giant Las Vegas Sands, certainly can afford to: With a net worth of roughly $25 billion, that $11 million, which jolted Gingrich's flatlining presidential bid back to life, equates to 0.044% of his fortune. For someone with a $1 million net worth, the equivalent would be $440, or a two-night stay at Adelson's Venetian casino. Adelson could personally fund an entire presidential campaign—say, $1 billion or so—and not even notice.

HA HA GREAT!

ABC News has all the fundraising info you can shake a comically oversized check at!


Perfection.
Newt Gingrich is still in the race! He has not dropped out yet! See above.

Something something Ron Paul, who likes his jackets like he likes his novelty checks: Comically oversized and paid for with GOLD!

Mitt Romney is still ceding ground to Rick Santorum, but he's just going to keep doing what he's doing—hanging around not being everyone else—until Santorum eventually implodes because he does things like compare President Obama to Hitler. Whooooooops your completely offensive and ALSO historically inaccurate metaphor!

In other news, my garbage governor Mitch Daniels still refuses to run for president. Don't worry, everyone—he'll run next time! FINGERS CROSSED!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.