Primarily Awful

Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney speaks at a campaign event in Fargo, N.D. , Thursday, March 1, 2012. [AP Photo]

GOOD MORNING! If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING AND VERY AWESOME Republican Primary, please check this box: □

If you failed to check the enthusiasm box, perhaps the following news straight off the WHO CARES NEWS PRESS will help inflate your enthusiasm back to maximum enthusiosity: Mitt Romney has pledged that he will never embarrass the American people if he is elected president! "What we need in leadership is individuals who will tell the truth and will live with integrity. I will not embarrass you in the White House." THAT IS A PROMISE YOU CAN TAKE TO THE BANK! Or better yet, invest it with Bain Capital.

Either way, you're going to lose your money, because Mitt Romney will DEFINITELY embarrass us in the White House if he is elected president. I mean, if you think the fumblefuckery of President Mondo Fucko was bad—and it was bad! so bad!—the awkward bumblenutzery of a Mitt Romney presidency would, almost inconceivably, make Bush look like a stoic gentleman. We're talking about a guy who thinks saying "I love firing people" and "I own fully one billion cars" and "I'm unemployed har har" and "That lady pinched my butt" are great ways to make himself seem "relatable" to the average USian. Soooooooo it's pretty much a given he will say highly inappropriate and almost certainly racist things to foreign dignitaries, under the auspices of "being friendly."

Look, my fellow Americans: I'm warning you. If you elect Mitt Romney, you're gonna get an epic bozo who's a total international embarrassment. Which is THE LEAST of his problems! And it's a humongo problem!

I don't care how conservative you are and how much you hate President Obama and how you believe he's a half-breed Neptunian devil or whatever: YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT IT'S NOT A RELIEF TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO DOESN'T ROUTINELY MAKE AN ASS OF HIMSELF WITH OTHER HEADS OF STATE! If you tell me that, you are lying. So be quiet!

What I'm saying is: Mitt Romney's pledge isn't worth the million dollar bill, i.e. scrap paper, he scribbled it on.

In other Romney news, he is managing to maintain a small lead in Washington, and he's tied it back up in Ohio, where Rick Santorum had been leading.

Whooooooooooops Rick Santorum! It looks like people have started hearing you speak and noticed that you are a vile bigot who is also very, very stupid! TOO BAD! (Said no one.)

In other Santorum news, he says he's running a "guerrilla campaign," thus reminding us he is definitely a Republican who loves using violent rhetoric.

Also: Go here to listen to Rick Santorum lose his shit during a radio interview about the contraception issue. If what you're looking for in a president is a privileged bias-beast whose terse smile serves as the thin veneer over a churning roil of explosive rage, then VOTE SANTORUM!


Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy, honest rape. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.

Newt Gingrich is still a human being running for President of the United States of America. He says stuff.

And in Democratic Primary Newz, the genius laureate of US law enforcement, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, says that "his six-month investigation had found that 'probable cause exists indicating that forgery and fraud may have been committed' in the release of President Obama's long-form birth certificate." GOOD WORK, ARPAIO! YOU'VE REALLY GOT HIM ON THE ROPES NOW!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.