Congratulations, Rick Santorum! You have been found to be the least barfiest of all the candidates by Republican primary voters in Louisiana! GOOD FOR YOU!
It was, as the cool pundits call it, a "decisive victory" for Santorum, which means in horrified layperson's terms that there are a scary number of people who like Rick Santorum. Now, you might say: Hey, Ms. Snarkypants! There was low turnout in Louisiana! And you would be RIGHT! There WAS! But I would then challenge you to present a convincing argument that even three people in the United States of America voting for Rick Santorum (RICK FUCKING SANTORUM!) is not terrifying. GOOD LUCK!
Despite his DECISIVE VICTORY in Louisiana this weekend, the pressure is mounting for Rick Santorum to drop out of the race and let Mitt Romney ascend to his rightful position as future loser to President Barack Obama. But Santorum is having none of it! In fact, he spits in the eye of party unity and declares Mitt Romney to be "the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama." Ha ha good one, Rick! But I bet if we REALLY TRY, we can think of someone EVEN WORSE!
In spite of Romney's manifest awfulness, he's really racking up the endorsements now, as Republicans try to wrap this thing up. Senator Mike Lee of Utah, Representative Kevin McCarthy of California, and prolly some other people you've never heard of endorsed Romney this weekend, but it doesn't really matter who they are, because you know what they say: As goes Mike Lee, so goes the country! (They definitely say that.)
In other Republican Primary news, Newt Gingrich blah blah and something something Ron Paul. Two terrible people who I am obliged to mention by virtue of their steadfast refusals to drop the fuck out, etc.
In Democratic Primary news, President Obama, who is not facing a primary challenge, told Russian President Dmitri Medvedev in regard to missile defense: "This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility." Whooooooops! We all know it's true that presidents can't have principles until their second terms, but it's still pretty AMAZING to hear it said so bluntly like that! Presidents say the darnedest things when they think their microphones aren't still on!
In other Obama news, one of the things that could hurt him in the upcoming election is that "Women aren't faring as well as other groups in the job market's recovery ... [They] are the only group for whom employment growth lagged behind population growth from 2009 to 2011." Hmm, it's a real mystery why that is. I am definitely sure it has nothing to do with the fact that bailouts and stimuli have been directed almost exclusively at male-dominated industries, though. That is SHEER COINCIDENCE!
Of course, if women actually want access to contraception and abortion, then they can't vote for the other guy, whichever Mitt Romney he will be. Not that President Obama's exactly been a champion on reproductive rights AHEM.
So it'll be another fun game of Vote for One of These Two Dudes Who Don't Give a Comprehensive Fuck About Women or Don't Vote At All this election! THANK MAUDE! If I actually had a real choice while exercising the franchise for which our mothers and aunts and grandmothers worked so hard to secure, I don't know what I'd do with myself!
Next Stops: D.C., Maryland, and Wisconsin! You lucky devils!
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.
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