Primarily Garbage

Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney speaks at the University of Chicago, Monday, March 19, 2012, in Chicago. [AP Photo]

GOOD MORNING! If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING AND VERY AWESOME Republican Primary, please check this box: □

I am DEFINITELY checking that box this morning, because today is the Illinois Primary, and that means I will no longer have to watch Mitt Romney's horrendo garbage ads about Rick Santorum. And by "watch," of course I mean fast-forward through them between segments of The Voice.

I will have AT LEAST A MONTH until they start running again for the Indiana Primary. Wheeeeeeee! Never is living in Indiana but getting Illinois stations more fun than during elections!

ANYWAY! Mitt Rommey is going to win in Illinois, probably by a lot. Which is a ginormous piece of Who Cares News, because Illinois is bluer than a blue thing with lots of little blue bits all over it, even when the Democratic incumbent president isn't from Illinois.

It is a FUN IRONY, though, how winning the Illinois Republican Primary will get him one step closer to losing to Barack Obama!

In other candidate news, something something Ron Paul and some other shit Newt Gingrich. Yawn.

There are some TERRIFIC stories about Rick Santorum today. I really like this interview he gave to RealClearReligion. I particularly like this part:

RCR: How does that Catholic faith inform your public policy positions?

RS: In most cases it certainly informs my conscience. My faith is the moral code by which I live my life: instructed in the 10 Commandments, the teachings of the Bible, what's right and wrong, and what's good and evil.

Ha ha that's definitely what I want to hear a potential president say! It's super cool because of how me and most of the people I know are considered to be living "evil" lifestyles according to Catholic doctrine!

True Fact: If Rick Santorum is elected president, his first order of business will be to reinstate witch trials.


And finally! Here is another great quote from Candidate Santorum on the campaign trail: "We need a candidate who's going to be a fighter for freedom. Who's going to get up and make that the central theme in this race because it is the central theme in this race. I don't care what the unemployment rate's going to be. Doesn't matter to me. My campaign doesn't hinge on unemployment rates and growth rates. It's something more foundational that's going on."

LOL PERFECT. That is just a perfect quote from a perfect candidate. GOOD JOB, RICK SANTORUM. "I don't care what the unemployment rate is going to be." Yikes! His campaign definitely is about something more fundamental than the economy: It's about how he is a terrible, terrible garbage nightmare who should never be allowed near the Oval Office.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.