Film Corner!

I'm sure there are people reading this post who love Nicholas Sparks, because he is very popular! He has written somewhere between five and a million novels, which some people find to be super romantic and other people find to be super barfy and there is very little middle ground between the romance and barf camps, and each of those five-to-one-million romance/barf novels have sold fully 30 trillion copies apiece and they have all been made into films starring famous attractive white people, each of which has made like 100 nonillion dollars at the box office (like I said, he's very popular), and now here's another one!

It's called The Lucky One, and if you are one of the people who love Nicolas Sparks, or his books, or the movies they've made of his books, you are probably very happy! Yay for you! Even though I do not share your joy because I hate Nicolas Sparks SO MUCH (Team Barf), please know that I am glad you're happy and that I don't judge anyone for liking Nicholas Sparks because literature and film and the stories we like are very subjective things, and even if it could be objectively determined that his stories are terrible, I like lots of things that are pretty widely regarded as garbage myself, so TO EACH HIR OWN, I say! (I definitely said that first, right? Probably.)

Anyway! To the video clip! And my accompanying paraphrase/commentary! At least one of which will be enjoyable for you whether you are roasting marshmallows at Team Romance or using the buddy system to visit the outhouse at Team Barf!


Male Voiceover, over images of war in Iraqistan: "It was in the morning, after a night raid. I just found it." Cut to a photo of a traditionally pretty young white blonde lady, which is lying in the dust where just before MURDER AND MAYHEM had been. Guitar music. The traditionally handsome young white man, played by real-life traditionally handsome young white man Zac Efron, picks up the photo and turns it over, to find a handwritten note reading Keep Safe X. "In a war, finding something like that—it's like finding an angel in hell."

You know what would make great marketing for this movie? The Lucky One-branded barf bags.

Incoming! BOOM! Oh noes! Zac Efron falls down. I HOPE HE'S OKAY! Oh good he is because the picture magically kept him safe by drawing his attention to its proximity and away from the bomb blast! PHEW!

A black male soldier says, "Things like this don't just happen!" Of course they don't! Whatever "things like this" he's talking about, which is definitely not clear from the clip, they definitely don't just happen. That much is true for sure.

Oh boy, this is a SPECIAL TRAILER, because here comes Nicholas Sparks, "Author," to tell us all about how wonderful and cool and awesome his characters and the story and the movie for which he got paid millions of dollars are!

Nicholas Sparks: "The Lucky One was a very special novel for me to write, because I think Logan is a different character than I've ever created before." Ha ha sure. Has he seen Dear John? You'd think he would have seen Dear John, since he wrote it and everything.

Nicholas Sparks continues describing his revolutionary character played by Zac Efron: "He's your very typical strong, silent type, and yet he's very loyal, and he is being driven by compulsion, you might say, to find this person." Yep. You might say that. Or you might say he's a stalker. Potato potahto.

In case you're not following what's going on here, some dude in Iraqistan finds a picture of a woman in some war wreckage, a picture that probably belonged to one of his fellow servicemembers who was just killed in a night raid. And then he carries the picture and stares at it and falls in love with the person who wrote a note to someone else on its back, and then, when he gets home, he searches for the women in the photo because love. Obviously.

Blah blah Zac Efron thinks this movie that he's in is awesome and the character is soooo cool. "He just knows deep down in his heart that his next mission is to find this girl and to thank her."

Thanks for loving some other dude and giving him your picture and for your picture falling out of his pocket when he was seriously injured and/or killed so that I could notice your picture and then walk over and get it and avoid getting blowed up! HERE I AM! THANK YOU! Just normal stuff.

So off Logan Efron goes to meet "Beth," and he's just about to tell her why he has shown up at her farm or inn or whatever, when she mistakes him for a job-hunter, and OMG YOU GUYS now it would be SO AWKWARD if he just POLITELY CORRECTED HER, so instead he goes along with this job-hunting ruse, which will make the truth WAY LESS AWKWARD LATER after he's worked there for nine thousand years. GOOD PLAN.

More suuuuuuuper boring exposition about the obvious garbage plot of this shitty movie from Nicholas Sparks. More suuuuuuuper clunky scenes, like Blythe Danner observing to Beth Photoface how handy it is to have Logan Efron around the old farm, since every farm needs men to properly function. It's a fact—look it up!

Blythe Danner says some shit about destiny. Really? Is this a real movie? Is someone playing a trick on me? Am I being Prank'd? I bet Deeky just made this trailer to fool me into believing this is a real film produced by a real Hollywood movie studio. That must be it, because NO WAY DID SOMEONE SPEND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO MAKE THIS PILE OF GARBAGE.

Anyway! We'll deal with how Deeky knows Blythe "Gwyneth Paltrow's Mom" Danner and kept it a secret from me all these years later. Right now, there is AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT you need to know about. If you guessed "Beth Photoface has a kid and that kid has a dad and he thinks he owns the place ooh how we hate him!" give yourself 1,000 barf bags.

Now here is something Nicholas Sparks actually says for real I am not making this up, while violin music plays: "They're just overcoming these obstacles and it takes time as it often does in the real world for people to first become friends and then to trust each other and then to fall in love, and this is a film that portrays that realistic journey toward a strong relationship very faithfully."

HA HA DEFINITELY! He is spot-on! The realistic journey toward a strong relationship always begins with stalking and deceit, and if there's one thing that faithfully portrays the real realism of the real world, it's how war and domestic violence are useful plot points in all our journeys to true love. It's almost TOO REALISTIC!

Well, anyway, the GOOD NEWS is that Logan Efron squirts some strength juice into Beth Photohead while they're fucking, which obviously entails lots of slamming up against walls, and now she can stand up to Meanie Babydaddy. THANK JESUS JONES! Cue the alt-pop track.

Whooooooooooooooops Meanie Babydaddy is a cop and finds the picture of Beth Photohead that Logan Efron's been carrying around and gives it to her. WHAT'S THE EXPLANATION?! Well, isn't it obvious? The explanation is that I LOVE YOU, BETH! Montage of dismay. What an unexpected reversal this is! I HOPE THEY CAN GET PAST THIS MINOR MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT LOGAN EFRON BEING A SUPERCREEP!

I mean, a super romantic who believes in DESTINY, Beth! Don't you believe in DESTINY, Beth?! God, Beth, you are so terrible!

Here's a lady producer to explain that women all wish these stories would happen to them. Ha ha no.

Love. Destiny. Alt-pop. Make-out montagery. Sunsets. Sunrises. "Why did you come here?" she asks. "To find you," he replies.

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