Primarily Awful

Hoping to bolster his image as an Everyman, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney posed under some giant chandeliers in Wisconsin this weekend.

The biggest news today is that pretty much everyone (except for Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul) have agreed that Mitt Romney is the Republican nominee, including the Democrats. President Obama's two most powerful surrogates—Vice President Joe Biden and former President Bill Clinton—took swings at Romney this weekend.

Biden said with hilarious understatement that Romney is "a little out of touch," then added, "I can't remember a presidential candidate in the recent past who seems not to understand...what ordinary middle class people are thinking about and are concerned about." LOL IT'S SO TRUE!

Clinton went after Romney's other major weakness, his flip-flopping etchasketchery: "The problem that Governor Romney has, is his character attack was 'You don't really know what he believes. He did this, he says that.' [Romney has to] convince the swing voters that he'll be moderate enough and open enough and inclusive enough to be an effective president, and effective on the economy. And hope that the Republican base voters say, 'Well, okay, so he maybe wasn't as right-wing as he claimed to be in the primary. Still more conservative than President Obama. I guess I'll vote for him anyway and I won't stay home.' That's a much harder job. So I doubt if he can do it. But it's going to be interesting to watch." LOL ALSO TRUE!

There are two things that President Obama has that Mitt Romney does not have: 1. A modicum of integrity; 2. Awesome surrogates.

Biden is a jackass and Clinton's a lech, but both of them are wickedly smart and can be devastatingly witty and are capable of delivering withering blows to a political opponent all the live long day.

In his corner, Romney's got a bunch of useless dinguses whose rhetorical armory is stocked with demonstrable lies, racism, and "Obama's a socialist poopyhead!" Good luck, gentlemen! (And probably token lady.) YOU WILL NEED IT!


Speaking of President Obama winning, Gallup has him up 4 points on Romney among registered voters nationwide. I know—it seems like it should be more like 40 points, or 400 points which is a mathematical impossibility, but: 1. It's really quite amazing Obama's up at all as an incumbent with the state of the economy; and 2. We are nerdz who pay attention to primaries, unlike most of the rest of the country. Once people start listening to the words that come out of Mitt Romney's face, those numbers will change.

Also! The ladies are swinging toward Obama. Huh! I WONDER WHY THAT COULD BE?!

Insert clever segue here. You should definitely read this funny piece in the New York Times about Mitt Romney and how he is a colossal dipshit and will definitely lose.

I am not even going to dignify the increasingly pathetic campaigns of Gingrich, Paul, and Santorum with an expenditure of my time to google news about them. Here's the news all day every day: They stink. They're vile bigots with garbage policies. They've got no shot at the White House in this election or any election. Barf yawn fart. Hot off the presses.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.