Primarily Garbage

Congratulations! You are the least barfiest!
Mitt Romney still-not-officially wrapped up the Republican nomination last night, winning all five primaries in New York, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Delaware, and Rhode Island yesterday. YAY, MITT ROMNEY! Everyone hates you the least! GOOD FOR YOU!

*confetti*

Mitt Romney managed to set a neat record last night, too: "Over the last 40 years there have been nearly 80 contests in which the presumptive Republican nominees played out the string after their last credible challenger exited the race. In every one of these contests, the GOP frontrunner won at least 60 percent of the vote, even when ex- and long-shot candidates remained on the ballot. But on Tuesday, Romney won only 56 percent of the vote in Delaware and 58 percent in Pennsylvania, home to Rick Santorum who dropped out on April 10th. While Romney avoided the embarrassment of winning with a mere plurality, never has a presumptive nominee won a primary contest with such a low level of support at this stage of the race with his chief challenger no longer actively campaigning."

Good job, Mitt Romney! That is such a cool record!

According to one of my many top secret sources, Mitt Romney also set another cool record last night: Most barf bags being barfed into by Republican primary voters while exiting polling stations! Romney's 77% barf rating edged out McCain's 72% barf rating from '08.

Pessimists call that "Republican enthusiasm being at an all-time low," but I call it "Republican barf being at an all-time HIGH!" The glass is half-full, my friends. And it's full of BARF!


^ This guy could be your next President. FYI.
According to Ezra Klein, he could also be a "transformational president," if he gets elected with a Republican Congress. In that scenario, "transformational president" translates to "conservative nightmare."

See also: George W. Bush.


Yeah. Remember that guy?
In other news...

Newt Gingrich will endorse Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney is thrilled, I'm sure. I bet he was real worried Newt Gingrich might not endorse him. Tragedy averted!

Religiousness a Key Factor for Romney and Obama Support. I am shocked—SHOCKED I TELL YOU!—to find out that religion plays a ridiculously important role in US politics. I never would have guessed!

And finally! President Obama is talking about having humble beginnings, which obviously means that the Republicans are accusing him of class warfare. Ha ha well what else should they do—NOT nominate someone who has no capacity to relate to the lives and experiences of average USians?! DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.