Film Corner!

Below is the trailer for the major motion picture event, The Expendables 2, which is literally the best film trailer I have ever seen. "Literally?"—You. Yes, literally. And I don't mean that in a figurative way! Whoever put together this trailer should be promoted, given a raise, bestowed with all the awards for trailer-making, and gifted a permanent guest room in Sylvester Stallone's home, overlooking the commissioned bronze statue of Sylvester Stallone.

(True Fact: I read about that statue in a Nov. 1997 issue of Architectural Digest, and I still remember it! Good job, Sylvester Stallone!)

ANYWAY. What I was saying is that this trailer is a straight-up work of pure genius, but you don't have to take my word for it! Let's watch it! Or read my paraphrase of it!

"Barney Ross," hisses Bruce Willis as he walks into some sort of submarine prison (?) in which Barney "Sylvester Stallone" Ross has been interred since the last time he saved the world, for which he was obviously severely punished, because the US hates heroes. "You made me a deal," Bruce Willis continues, as Sly stands up and gives max poutface. "I coulda put you in the deepest, darkest hole, but I kept you here, because I knew that one day would come where you were gonna pay me back, and today is that day." Sly looks...rueful? I guess.

Great exposition. Very naturally delivered. Professional acting.

Now comes the very elaborate Expendables 2 logo, which is a shiny silver skull leaning backwards, and then two daggers whose handles form the Roman numeral II slam into its eye sockets, then they get absorbed into the skull as it tilts forward, and the blades shoot out the sides of the skull, followed by an array of other shiny weaponry that forms wings on either side of the skull. I'm describing this in so much detail because it takes up nine seconds of a one-minute trailer.

STALLONE says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Sylvester Stallone pointing a gun.

STATHAM says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Jason Statham aiming the gun on a tank.

LI says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Jet Li looking at something.

LUNDGREN says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Dolph Lundgren peeking around a pillar with a machine gun.

NORRIS says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Chuck Norris walking through rubble and removing his shades.

CREWS says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Terry Crews holding a machine gun.

COUTURE says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Randy Couture walking.

HEMSWORTH says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Liam Hemsworth (whoooops!) looking up from the sight of a rifle.

ALSO VAN DAMME says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Jean-Claude Van Damme holding a rocket launcher (or something).

WITH WILLIS says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a half-second clip from the movie of Bruce Willis lowering a machine gun.

AND SCHWARZENEGGER says glowing gold text onscreen, followed by a three-quarter-second clip from the movie of Arnold Schwarzenegger firing a machine gun.

Text Onscreen: TheExpendables2Film.com. Summer 2012.

Now, I realize you might be thinking: That is not a perfect trailer. That trailer makes me think this movie has no plot and is just about a bunch of mostly-white muscle dudes running around blowing shit up. Plus Jet Li.

Well. I have seen The Expendables, because Iain McEwan, and if this sequel honors the original AS I'M SURE IT DEFINITELY DOES, then this trailer conveying that premise to you is what they call in show business "a success."

Please join me in hoping that this film is a box office smash, thus guaranteeing a part three and HOPEFULLY FINGERS CROSSED a role for Steven Seagal, who I cannot believe has been left out of this amazing franchise.