Generally Horrendo

I have the GREATEST election news for you today! It turns out that Mitt Romney is terrible, and President Obama is less terrible! Pretty amazing, right? Thanks to the We're Doomed News for that breaking coverage of these important stories!

Now that we're still fully one million months away from the election, it's time that we start paying close attention to polls that will definitely not change between now and November. We should definitely obsess over them and act like they are very important, okay? Okay!

Fox News: Alarm Grows Among Dems About Obama's Chances. OH NOES! "It has taken months of bad news, but Democrats increasingly believe that President Obama might just lose his re-election bid. The latest wake-up call comes in the form of a New York Times/CBS poll showing Republican Mitt Romney in the lead." Ha ha great reporting. Very professional.

But wait! What's this?!

Gallup: Americans See Obama as Solid Favorite to Win Election. OMG! "Fifty-six percent of Americans think Barack Obama will win the 2012 presidential election, compared with 36% who think Mitt Romney will win. Democrats are more likely to believe that Obama will win than Republicans are to believe Romney will. Independents are nearly twice as likely to think that Obama, rather than Romney, will prevail." Well, that's very interesting, but if what "Americans" think mattered, we would let their votes decide elections, now wouldn't we?

Let's turn it over to Professional Polling Genius Nate Silver...

FiveThirtyEight: A 30,000-Foot View on the Presidential Race:

Although we are getting to the point where these national polls are at least worth a passing glance, it is still also worth paying attention to Mr. Obama's approval rating. These have a history of predicting electoral outcomes at least as closely as head-to-head polls in the early stages of the race, especially for incumbent presidents.

Mr. Obama's approval ratings have not moved all that much. For the last month or two, they have been essentially even. Right now, in the RealClearPolitics average, 48.3 percent of Americans approve of the job that Mr. Obama is doing, and 48.6 percent disapprove.

A president can get re-elected with numbers like those. Obviously, he can also lose.

Welp, you heard it here first, Shakers! Barack Obama is either going to WIN or LOSE the election!

One of my top secret sources informs me, which I have not yet confirmed, that it is very likely Mitt Romney will also either win or lose the election.

Trenchant stuff, my friends.

In other news...

Obama will be meeting with small business owners today, who, as we know, are rhetorically the most important people in the nation.

Romney thinks that Obama has a "beef" with Bill Clinton. (That's what she said.)

And Karl Rove's SuperPAC will be "spending $25 million on television ads this month—the same amount as the Obama campaign." That sounds about right for a healthy democracy lulz.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.